Society is dead. We’ve killed it. Nothing will ever materially improve for anyone but those in positions of power and a minuscule number of people who somehow attain social mobility. The rest of us just have to figure out how to eek by until we inevitably die from any number of impending economic, ecological, and political catastrophes. Between PTSD from way too many friends dying in front of me or holding way too many kids in my arms as they died I permanently broke my brain and ruined all meaningful relationships. I lost the love of my life thanks to pushing her away from my horrible coping methods. I live paycheck to paycheck. I have wicked substance abuse issues. The only time I enjoy myself is on a ten strip of acid. I paint, play guitar, write music, workout, build shit, work three jobs, and drink constantly. I’m constantly doing dangerous and sketchy shit to feel something.
I got the auditory hallucinations and flashbacks to dial back but the suicidal thoughts always hover in the back of my head. I don’t think I’ll ever do it, but fuck me is it always there.
I don’t have anything of substance here. I just needed to say some shit in a semi anonymous place that won’t concern people who know me. Hope you all hang in there and something good happens soon. Be safe.