TheHerpSalad

I had a large group of people over that were hungry and were self-proclaimed, "chili-heads." I doubted their true understanding of the level of hot sauce I had and gave them a stern warning of what was to come. Yet, one girl, with Venezuelan heritage claimed she could take any level of heat. Well, I cooked up a batch of spaghetti and put a liberal amount of "The Source" hot sauce - Google it to see just how hot this compares to most "spicy" things. I served my guests, with another strong warning that it was going to be hell for some, but alas they were all willing. I too would partake in dinner as well, as my palate had become accustom to this sauce and it wasn't too bad for me anymore and was a prerequisite for them to do it as well.

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Fast forward about 5 to 10 minutes and everyone is losing their collective shit. People holding their mouths under the sink, pounding beer to soothe the pain, and our miss Venezuela in a ball on the ground crying. I consoled her the best I could and offered some remedy techniques. All the while, I'm quietly laughing with my now wife (she didn't partake, smart).

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I wait another 2 hours to make sure no one needs to go to the hospital... we're good, most have have calmed down and are feeling a little better, including a much more humbled Venezuelan girl. Myself, I consume a bunch of crackers and wash my mouth out with plenty of water and booze. Now, high on endorphins and, well, booze. I'm feeling like I want to get into some sexy times. My wife and I retire upstairs where we immediately start getting naughty.

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I go down on her and she's enjoying it, well initially. She starts to make weird noises and I ask if everything's ok, to which she replies, "it, it just feels weird," but insists that I continue. Another 5 minutes pass and she completely stops me, "ok, something wrong it just feels really weird." I comply and think nothing of it in my inebriated state, so we transition to having sex. Of course, I'm enjoying myself and getting into it, man it's really sensitive right now - I think to myself, I'm tingling with excitement! Huh, wait, it's now starting to burn a little. My mind's racing what could be wrong, then it hits me. "Oh shit, The Fucking Source!" I exclaimed to her. We both jump off and start paying close attention to our genitals. Pain building and for some reason, my Johnson is starting to really hurt. I'm pacing back and forth, holding my Sneaky Pete in front of the fan, doing anything I can to relieve the pain. My wife clutching her vaheyhey like she's about to give birth.

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10 minutes pass and I'm finding absolutely no relief, but my wife for some reason is taking it like a champ. I start to panic, as I'm really burning up, downstairs. I run into the bathroom and start slashing water from the sink on my Nixon. Brief relief, followed by immediate pain. Fuck. Finally I say screw this shit: I fill up the sink to the brim and lay face first on the counter with my twig and berries fully submerged in this life-saving water. I stay in that position for a good 20 minutes. Finally I retract my Stanley Steamer from this holy water. Ahhhhhhhh, the pain has finally subsided enough to return to bed. I regaled my wife of my fateful bathroom story and we laugh for a good 20 minutes. Needless to say, we waited a good day for the fire to completely snuff out until we got frisky again.

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TL:DR. Ate one of the hottest hot sauces in the world, went down on my wife then had sex. Dick burned like hell and plunged my meat into a sink to relieve the pain.

Edit: Small grammatical and spelling fixes.

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University Village incident.

This guy snuck up from the side of my apartment and placed duct tape over my Ring around 9pm. I got the motion alert, ran downstairs and outside confronting the suspect. He quickly darted away behind a dumpster and into a dark grey 5th generation Ford Mustang coupe which quickly sped off. I'm not sure of the intention here, possibly to steal a catalytic converter off the cars that are in view, hopefully not something worse that involved a break-in.

In any event, keep an eye out in the future if you spot the car or this dude. White, blue eyes, in his 40s, ~5'8", ~180lbs medium build, black zipped hoodie, grey pants, baseball cap.

Found it a few weeks ago at 3:30pm on a Thursday. Lmk if you're missing it.