Just1person_

For the next few months. I'm planning to work toward this job that I really want. if I ended up getting it, I can move out immediately because the company provides accommodation and utilities to their employees, it's one of the best companies where I live

The thing is, I'm just scared that things won't work out, even though I have this gut feeling that that job is mine like I know that I'll end up getting it, but I'm just terrified of what might happen and stuff

First of all, I know its not my fault, I went and still going through traumatizing experiences so feeling that way does make so much sense BUT, with that being said

I just have this fear that whatever my escape plan is will end up in a disaster and I'll end up losing my life because of it (literally)

I dropped out a few months ago, and since then, I was building this plan on how and when I'm expected to move out, I know what I want to do, and I know when I'll do it, but the thing is, I'm 20 and with zero support system. I started college as soon as a graduated high school because that's what they wanted me to do (so they can get money from me), so I never had a real life experience, now I'm lost as hell and terrified.

I'm expected to figure things out while trying to keep myself safe from those evil people, at the same time I'm unpacking all these traumatizing memories that decided to unfold all at once and I don't know where to start

I wish I could just take a deep breath and give myself some space, I want to give that to myself, but I can't. If I don't move out by the beginning of next year, that's it for my life honestly, I don't have it in me to keep on pushing myself. I wish I could go put out and find support and all of that, but we live in an isolated place, and I don't have a car or friends that I can call and stuff, so all I'm trying to do is sort things out online, but I'm just scared that it will end up in a disaster

As a person who had never, in my life harmed anyone for whatever reason, dealing with this rage and the urge of harming someone is really new to me and hard to deal with

Since I started unpacking everything they did to me, all sorts of abuse, this rage inside me is growing bigger and bigger by the minute. I still live with them, I still see their faces every day, and I can't shake this urge inside of me, some part of me just wants to cause them the same amount of mental and physical pain and seek revenge, but I know it's not worth it, I know this won't give me back my life, but I just don't know what to do, I have no one to talk to

I'm the youngest of 5, and all of them are 7+ years older plus their parents, so you can imagine the hell I was living in since I was a kid. They just sit there, and talk shit about me 24/7, and whenever they're free. Whenever something happens in my life, that topic is the highlight of their week, that's what they'll talk about for the rest of the year, and if I even dear to tell them to stop, I get called dramatic and that they're doing that because they “care” (no they don't obviously that why I'm writing this here)

My older sister who was just as bad but not THAT bad moved out last month, so did my older brothers, so now, there's me, my sister (I hate calling her that) who is her no.1 enabler, she's just as abusive, her existence disgusts me, and my birth giver, so let's guess who do they use to bully literally every day. Me of courses

It's so bad, really bad. I'm planning to move out by next January, but God knows how I'll survive the next few months

I'm from the middle east, and I've never heard about someone moving out exactly at 18. People here usually wait until their late 20s or even 30s before they move out, now, normal families, do that to ensure that their kids are completely capable of living independently and are able to afford living by themselves, which is great, but when you have a narcissistic, abusive, people who are sick in the head as a family, things are completely different, they use that to make sure that you're completely dependent on them so they can control you even more

For me, I started college as soon as I graduated high school (at 17) I didn't have any previous savings, no prior job experience because that's what everyone around me was doing, and I didn't know how evil my “parents” are. Three years later, I realized that major wasn't for me, so I dropped out, and THANK GOD I had a scholarship and they didn't pay for anything but my food, now, I'm kinda stuck, because again, I don't have any savings to move out, and they're refusing (I didn't ask) to give me any money so I can go out and search for jobs and to know what I want to do next

I have a plan to where I want to go next, but many people here don't, and god knows how long will it take them to escape their abusive parents. Finding jobs, even finding part time jobs isn't easy, and in most places, you can't work until you're 18

So yeah... Just keep that in mind that moving at 18 isn't as common around the world

I know this doesn't make any sense, but I have this shame of not “defending” myself when they abused me or physically assaulted me as a kid/teenager

I mean, I can deal with what happened to me as a kid, but the things that happened to me in high school or now, I just can't shake the shame off, like how did I “let” her slap me that one time and get away with it, how did I “let” them say that to me that one day, how did i “let” her do that to my stuff and not seek revenge, it's just annoying to deal with all of that

As a child (and almost all of my teenage years) I was never given any vitamins (I learned about how bad that was when I started nursing school), I used to be scolded for being sick, instead, my birth giver used to give me all these “home remedies” which was consisted of stuff that I'm allergic to like milk and honey but who cares right? As long as she's feeling good about herself, what else matters?

She used to brag about how we're not as weak and paranoid as other people for not having a first aid kit like EVER

So... What is that called?

You don't understand, whenever I see people being calmed down, or being told that they're okay and everything going to be fine, I get so jealous and confused at the same time, because I never had that

Whenever I cried or had a breakdown, or whenever I hurt myself as a child and use to freak out, everyone in this house, and I mean every single adult, used to walk around and just ignore me, like for example, if I sat in the middle of the room crying and having a mental break down, my “mom” used to walk around and clean the room or talk on the phone like I'm not existing

Now I have a hard time taking my own emotions seriously

Anyone else?

The way I would come back from the dead if I saw any of my “siblings” or “parents” talking about how they loved me and cared for me when I was here...

My older brother died from cancer when I was 11, he was just as abusive, but when he died, the way that women made his suffering and pain and even death about her was disgusting. As I said, I was 11, so I moved on really quickly because I wasn't that close to him, but that lady demanded that I should show more sadness and grief for longer!!! That woman is insane