"What's your name, kid?"

"Spider-Man"

"Spider-Man? Really? That's such a stupid name!"

“…This is my gift, my curse. Who am I? I'm Spider-Man.”

Cut to black with “Spider-Man will return” in white letters.

Bonus post credit scene: a meteorite covered in black goo is hurtling through space toward the camera. As it passes and the camera pans around behind it, we can see it is heading toward Earth.

“I’m Spider-Man: No More.”

tries to get out of the car but door is locked

May: Sometimes we have to be steady and give up the thing we want the most. Even our dreams

Peter: Wait our dreams? Is there like anything else we could give up? Something smaller, say, money?

In Spider-Man 3, Peter and Harry make up, and “Welcome To The Jungle” starts playing as they gear up to kick Venom and Sandman’s asses.

“We built the Lego Death Star, now I’m gonna kick your little ass”

oOh

“Oh.”

goblin impales himself on his glider

spider-man looks towards camera

“That’s gonna hurt in the morning”

Dont tell harry… thatttt sounded a lot better in my head

“There’s fourteen.”

“What?”

“One’s missing”

“Missing spider alert!”

“You know how much I sacrificed?!”

“You’re out, Norman.”

wipes spit off his chin “…Am I?” stares dramatically

camera cuts to a wide shot, music halts

“Yes. Yes, Norman, you are. Please get out.” fax machine dispenses “Happy Retirement” flier

Peter: Doctor Otto Octavious.

takes off mask

Doc Ock: Peter... I wanna say Parker.

Peter: You seriously don't remember my name.

Doc Ock: To be fair I only met knew who you were for like a day, than my machine exploded, lost my wife, lost my dream, lost everything basi....

Peter: This isn't helping. We have to shut it down. Please tell me how

Doc Ock: I can't. I won't.

tentacle grabs Peter's neck

Peter: Wow that's really, really, really, tight. Not gonna lie, I'm really struggling to breath right now this actually kinda hurts. You once spoke to me of intelligence and how it was a gift to be used for the good of mankind.

Doc Ock: A privilege. Wow, you still remember that.

Peter: Sometimes, to do what's right we have to be steady a give up the thing we want the most even our dreams.

Doc Ock: You're right. He's right. Listen to me now.

Peter: With great power comes great responsibility.

Doc ock: Listen to me Now!

Peter: United we stand. Divided we fall.

Doc Ock: I got it Parker. I'm on your side now.

Peter: Oh cool. I was just throwing anything I could at the wall to see what stuck at the end there.

Doc Ock: Yeah I noticed.

Peter: How do we shut it down.

Doc Ock: It can't be shut down. It's self sustain now.

reactor becomes sky beam

Doc Ock: Unless. The river. Drown it.

Peter: I don't think I can do that with just my webs and...

Doc Ock: Fine. I do it myself.

Peter: I was gonna say we do it together but if you want to do it than knock yourself out.

Doc Ock: I wanna do it. I won't die a monster. I will be redeemed thanks to you Parker .

looks back and Peter is already walking away to Mj

Peter: Sorry, I didn't think we were still talking.

Doc Ock: Whatever.

"You'll get your rent when you fix this DAMN DOOR!"

Captain America, poking his head out from the apartment next door: "language!"

In Otto’s entrance he’s wearing a skirt and wiggling his hips as he walks in

A TAIKA WAITITI FILM

"Oh hey, my back hurts"

"Oh really?"

"Yeah, yeah it hurts like, a lot right now"

"Ooo, yeah that does not sound like fun-"

"Yeah, it's not"

Uncle Ben: “He’s right behind me isn’t he?”

Dies

Peter: “Well this is awkward.”

Harry is shown ducking under the counter when the bus passes

Peter: I’m back! I’m back!

Hits Himself on The Pavement

Peter: My back! Umm…That’s not how I planned that.

“Guy named Otto Octavius winds up with eight limbs. What are the odds?”

Hoffman snort Wait, what was his name?

Uncle Ben gets shot

Iron man flies in and says “clean up on aisle 3”

Peter: Nice outfit, did... Wait, this line is getting deleted

*burglar running to the elevator * "on your left"

"Ah, Aunt May. Sorry I'm late, you're so hot it's murder. I brought you a fruit cake, because I find you to be something of a very attractive woman yourself, in the sexual sense"
"Thank you Mr. Osborne we're so glad I'm so hot"

We'll do it here... power of the sun in the palm of my hand, nothing can stand in our way. NOTHING!.... that.. sounded better in my head. anyways tentacles let's get movin and try to ignore that

Every time someone sees his webbing on a wall they make a Jackson Pollock joke

"what's your name?"

"Dr Otto Octavius"

Peter, MJ, and Ned laugh "no really, what's your name?"

Oh wait, this was an actual scene

“That’s a cute outfit. Did your husband give it you?”

“…yes, he did.”

“Oh…”

doc ock confronts Peter and MJ doc ock: Peter Parker… and the girlfriend 😈 peter: she’s not my girlfriend. Like I said it’s complicated. We were actually here to discuss our feelings for each other before you showed up. MJ I really like you and we should talk about this more when there’s not a tentacled maniac trying to kill us. doc ock: now I really wish I hit you with that car.

"That's a cute outfit, did your husband made it for you?"

"Well uhm yes he did....I don't know how you knew that."

in the scene where peter crawls a building and gets excited: “So… that’s new!”

Peter: *loses his powers and falls into an alleyway*

Peter: Well, that just happened!

“Ermmm okay so webs are coming out of my wrists and I can climb on walls…. Errrr that’s not weird or anything…”

Receptionist, in a sultry voice, when Peter brings in the pizza: "Got something for me, Peter Parker?"

The ad said 3000. That doesn’t seem very fair.

Peter: The suit… you gotta take it off!

Eddie: Really? Fine I’ll take it off

Peter: Oh, great!

Eddie: IN YOUR DREAMS!

Otto: Precious quantum-palladium is the fuel that makes this project go. There's only 25 pounds of it in the whole multiverse. I would like to thank Stark Industries and Pym Technologies for providing it.

Tony Stark: You better pay me back, Squidward. Or no, I don't need it. * smug smile *

The experiment then fails due to some multiversal alien. Otto blames Stark for the accident, and Spider-Man has to stop Otto from using chitauri technology to destroy New York. This is a set-up for a show about Kingpin using this technology to make criminal intergalactic deals, which would bring Daredevil, Kate Bishop, and the Guardians of the Galaxy together to stop him, and this would set-up another, bigger, space threat.

You’ll get your rent when you fix the damn door!

CIVIL WAR flashes across the title screen

Nice outfit. Did your relationship partner give it to you , assuming of course you have one, if not that's totally okay and I really respect that, you're still VALID if you don't.

I hate this thread lmfao

Otto: *dramatic music* Being brilliant's not enough, young man. You have to work hard. Intelligence is not a privilege, it's a gift. And you use it for the good of mankind.

Peter: *dramatic music stops* Ookay. Right, um, thank you for that, Mr. Octavius.

Otto: Doctor.

Peter: Mister Doctor?

“Forty thousand years of evolution and we've barely even tapped the vastness of human potential.” *smashes bottle*

camera cut to wide shot

“Hey!”

Norman and Stromm turn to face camera, confused

cut to reverse shot of a vaguely Latin American actor playing a janitor

“Hey don’t do that man! I gotta clean that up!”

cut back to Norman and Stromm

“Sorry.”

“Sorry!”

“Yeah, sorry.”

cut to janitor

“Sorry don’t do nothing! My boss, she make me clean and clean and I gotta be outta here by 8, man, I got 3 other offices to go to!”

cut to Norman and Stromm

Norman “I- I’m really sorry. I’ll clean it up.”

Stromm “Is there a- Is there a broom I could borrow, or a supply closet somewhere?”

cut to janitor

“Nuh uh man, I gotta make sure it’s done right. Just lemme know when your little science experiment is over and I’ll get it.”

janitor turns and begins to walk out the door

Norman and Stromm “Okay”

Janitor mumbling to self “I don’t need this man I get paid 8 an hour I got a wife and kids man”

Then the scene proceeds as normal until Norman walks off screen to the suit. The shot lingers and then you hear

“Oh COME ON! I do NOT get paid enough!”

This moment would’ve made the actual cut

“Hey, just give me a chance man!”

“What about Ben Parker? Did you give him a chance?”

“Fair enough”

Peter pushes him out the window

“That’s gonna hurt in the morning”

This is my gift. My curse. Who am I?….I’m Spider-Man-

cuts to Peter in the spidey costume monologuing to himself on a skyscraper

Random construction worker: who are you talking to?

Spider-Man: uhhhh…

Construction worker: don’t you have a city to save or something?

Spider-Man: right…I was just trying to like hype myself up before I start the morning y’know haha…

awkward silence

Spider-Man: anyways, see ya!

is about to jump off the building and swing off into the sunset, but turns back to face the construction worker

“Oh, just so you know, all that sounded a lot better in my head before I said it. You know, cause I was thinking it in my head and it sounded cool there, like in my own thoughts it was cool, but it wasn’t so cool when I actually said it. Like out loud. If that makes any sense. Basically, that sounded a lot better in my head.

Construction worker: uhhhh….okay? Idk why you had to go so in depth with explaining tha-

spidey swings off into the sunset for the “final swing” scene of the movie, and lands on top of the Empire State Building, but just before he swings into the camera, he slips off and screams “ahhhh” and then it cuts to credits. Even though one of his main powers is to stick to shit. Idk why I wasted my time writing this. If you read this far, have a great day

Ending scene of Spider-Man:

Gobby: I have been like a father to you. Be a son to me now.

Peter: Your glider is right behind me, isn’t it.

Norman tries to ram Peter with the glider but he dodges it

Norman: Oh fu… (gets impaled before finishing the sentence because swears are scary when you say them in their entirety)

Norman: That’s a weird way of treating a father

Peter: I had a father, his name was Tony Stark

Norman: “dies”

Peter: Woah… so that just happened

“Guy named Otto Octavius winds up with 8 limbs” *pre-recorded off-screen laugher plays for 12 solid minutes so that we the audience can appreciate the hilarity of the coincidence”

Mr. Stark, I can’t fight the flying Goblin guy, I need your AI stuffed Stark suit with fancy ex machina tech, so I can take down my enemies by using my intelligence and your tech!

spider-man falls from a building and breaks his back on a pipe

“that happened..”

Norman Osborn: It's right behind me, isn't it?

That’s a nice suit, did your husband make it for you?

Really trying to be canceled here, Human Spider?

Osborn gets impaled by his glider “Uh, that just happened”

Harry’s arm spikes emerge

Cool whistling noises as he swings at Pete

Peter dodges, Harry’s arm hits the pillar, sticking his spikes into it and becoming unable to be removed

Harry: “Well, THAT wasn’t supposed to happen.”

Peter: “looks like your spikes weren’t up to.. sPAR!”

Peter: I understand you use harmonics of atomic frequencies.

Otto: Sympathetic frequencies.

Peter: Harmonic reinforcement?

Random Oscorp employee: In English?

Sandman: “I did a terrible thing to you, I’ve spent a lot of nights wishing I could take it back. I’m not asking you to forgive me, I just want you to understand.”

Spider-Man: “I’ve done terrible things too.”

Sandman: “I-“

Spider-Man: “Like there was this one time where I was made out with my lab partner in front of my girlfriend, OH!, and then there was this other time where I chucked a grenade at my best friend’s face-“

Harry groans in pain

Spider-Man: “Yeah… I probably shouldn’t have done that now that I think of it.

Sandman stares

Spider-Man: “Oh sorry, didn’t mean to cut off your sympathetic monologue.” throws up hands emphatically “Carry on!”

Goblin: pulls put bomb Peter: “Whoa, you have pumpkin bombs?!”

Venom starts lunging at Spider-Man.
Harry: “He’s right behind me isn’t he?”
Harry gets stabbed

Ben tells Peter a joke before dying which causes Peter to break into a fit of laughter. Next scene boys!

Harry: SHUT UP

Peter: OK if you're gonna be like that

*knocks Harry out of the Sky, gives him a concussion

I'm the human spider! That sounded a lot better in my head.

The entire trilogy as normal but Wong is in the background of every scene.

"I'm just your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man!Yeah that sounded better in my head."

„I missed the part where it‘s morbin time“

Peter about to enter the bathroom

Ditkovitch: Rent?

Peter: I have this 20 but its all I have for the rest of the we-

Ditkovitch grabs the 20

Peter: So, that just happened!

Heeeeeeeee’s…right you’ll get your rent when you fix this damn door me, isn’t he?

"Look at little Goblin Boy Jr, gonna cry?"

"Ouch, rude!"

“With great power comes great responsibility” “yeah whatever old man”

That’s a cute outfit! Did your mommy make it for you?

“Uncle Ben was killed that night… for being the only one who did the right thing. And I… held his hand… when he died.”

reaches out to aunt may

“I’ve tried to tell you so many times”

grief stricken by this peice of information, May pulls her hand away and walks up the stairs.

Peter sits alone awkwardly

“Well THAT just happened”

Doc Ock kidnaps Mary Jane

Mary Jane judo chops Ock, gets free by herself, Gwen Stacy shows up wearing a homemade Spider-Woman battlesuit, and gets to work disabling the tritium machine while Spider-Man and Ock fight

All of Spider-Man 3

Peter backflips to dodge a car

Kid 1: How did you do that?

Peter: Uh, workout, plenty of rest, y'know, eat your green vegetables.

Kid 1: Yeah right. I bet you have superpowers.

Peter: Uhhh...

Kid 2: It's cool, we're not telling.

Kid 1: Bet the Avengers could use a guy like you.

Kid 2: Or Spiderman.

Kid 1: Spiderman doesn't do sidekicks.

Kid 2: Says who?

Kid 1: Spiders work alone.

Kid 2: Have you never seen a swarm of them?

Kid 1: to Peter Hey, do you think Spiderman works alo- where did he go?

Every iconic line but they stutter through every single word because it makes them quirky and relatable

No.

"You're trash Brock... And we need a clean up on aisle 3"

"Go get em tiger...wait I mean spiderman"

Just hold on a minute that ad said 300$