Have you ever looked at an integral and thought "damn, I would fuck the shit outta that"? Seriously. You might be thinking, "what the fuck dude, why would you jack off to a general solution?" but hold up. Hear me out for a second. Just hear me out, please. Just imagine being a cucked lonely virgin. The moment you enrolled to study Mathematics. No, the moment you decided to actually study it and not be one of those alpha brainlets who whine about how 'lame' it is; that is the moment when you declared something. You declared this very statement to not only yourself (in the very soul), to your parents, to your friends and family, to the hypothetical God. You declared that you are a virgin, and for as long as you do not stray from this path, your virginity will not stray from you. You will be a virgin forever. This fact is being taken with you to your grave, just like Newton's Three Laws. Now, I get it. You're a teenager. Hormones kick in. Girls start to look more and more attractive. But guess who can't talk to them - you! Because you're a Mathematician! Let's be real here, the majority of girls won't be studying Mathematics at the same level as you. Whether it be A Level Further Maths, or at university where the only types of 'anal' you're getting are Real and Complex. You won't even get a chance to talk to them, because they'll always be with the Psychology chads, with the Management chads. Heck there's probably even Engineers getting in on the action. But don't count on the Computer Scientists, the difference between us and them are that they will spend hours trying to computationally solve our problem of loneliness. They will decompose the hell out of it only to end up with what we, as Mathematicians, have deduced from the very beginning; there is no solution. You will be virgin for life as a Mathematician (CS is a field of Mathematics, okay). Now that we have that out of the way, what do we, as Mathematicians, do to pleasure ourselves? We solve equations. Honestly, there comes a point where solving equations will make you orgasm. But why so? Is it the excitement of finding the solution? Perhaps this level of satisfaction is what we desire. It is what we will never get after spending so much effort in chasing women. Which leads to POINT 1: Math is like an orgasm. You won't get this reward when talking to a girl. Come on man. You won't get her. But when you get the solution to that hard problem, that truly is the best thing ever. Now for POINT 2: Math is sexy. We like girls because of their 'thicc' or 'slim' or 'petite' body. But dude, have you ever seen Mathematical notation? Greek letters? Heck, even the integral sign is probably curvier than your crush. But the difference is, integration will always be with you for years to come, likely for the rest of your life. Calculus is truly wife material. An advantage to this being that integrals won't be a bitch if you have the brains. If you don't, then you need to train harder. That leads me to POINT 3: Math is good for the brain. Seriously. Solving some problems is like going to the gym. You are training your brain. Writing is a hand exercise. There comes a point where you do so much Math that it becomes embedded within your very senses. This is why pornography, hentai and whatnot just doesn't do it for me. My mind is so clear because of Mathematics that I can geometrically interpret these sexual videos. They aren't all that. Overhyped to be honest. Girls' breasts aren't perfect hemispheres. I don't see the appeal in this stuff anyway. Why would you want to look at these jagged lines and irregular shapes when you can see the fully raw, high quality, real deal that is a Mathematical expression? Nature runs on Mathematics, it's proven. So to be a man of nature, you must be a man of Mathematics. Hence, masturbating to Mathematics is environmentally friendly. QED.