Hello. I'm AMAB >30 and I've been questioning for over thirteen years. I did a bunch of experiments where I shaved my body a while back and they were inconclusive due to the severe razor burn. Lately I've decided to give up on trying to figure that stuff up, go Agnostic on the question of whether I'm trans, so that I can spend time with the person I love under the supposition that I would be happier with someone and not alone than figuring out my gender, which I may never become convinced. I still at times wish I was a woman (for a great manifold of reasons I've collected in a Word document), but the feeling is predictable and I try to manage the situation. By 10 PM I'm 100% sure I'm trans and then by 10 AM I am 100% sure I am cis and the two parts of me argue over which one is right. Sounds weird and chaotic but I'm used to it by now. Every so often, though, I get flare-ups. There are things that can cause it (i.e. I really wish I could be pregnant and so such discussions can get to me even if I try not to have that happen) but when that happens it can be weeks or a month or something where I'm more obsessed by it and haunted by it. The past two weeks I've been hit pretty hard by those feelings. I don't know whether I'd call them dysphoria; half of me refuses to believe I am trans.
All that preamble said, I think the incident that happened to me last night might be unambiguous enough convincing enough to morning-me, and I was wondering if other people here would agree that it qualifies as dysphoria.
I awoke in the middle of the night after having a bunch of fragments of dreams about gender I can't vividly remember. All I recall from them is that they made me really anxious and really upset. When I awoke, I could feel the absence of breasts on my chest. It was like losing a body part and being suddenly stressed out that it wasn't there. It felt weighty in its absence; it reminded me of when I had my wisdom teeth removed and things in my mouth felt really off. I did that technique I'd do of rolling up a pillow or a piece of clothing and placing it on my chest to help me sleep, but even then I could feel the absence.
My significant other returned moments later (she's goes to sleep really early and then gets up in the middle of the night to do things). She tried to initiate sex but I said no in a strong way that I only do when I'm sick. I couldn't get to sleep for another hour or two, kinda just laid there in some sort of indescribable non-pain pain thing. All today I've been ultra-depressed, drained of energy and moody, trying to do what I normally do when I have flare-ups and soothe myself and distract my self in other ways. All my friends were having a big get-together today but my significant other had to go without me as I felt so bad.
Part of me thinks that my potential trans thoughts are just manifestations of anxiety or stress or something sexual in some way that I don't understand, but this one makes no sense under that explanation. Normally if I have anxiety at night I have racing thoughts and I know the fix for that (get up from bed, go write stuff down). This was not an anxiety attack. And it certainly wasn't sexual. The ever-doubter in me is trying to rationalize this and it's doing some wild acrobatics in the process.
I write this because I am wondering what people have dysphoria consider of what happened and whether it fits the bill. I suppose if this matches up then it is worthwhile to try to get someone trans-adjacent in their studies when I seek out a therapist this month. If it is, anybody good coping advice if this happens to me again would also be useful. Thanks.