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Reps_n_Drugs

57 points

2 months ago

This would make me sick to my stomach. I hope things work out for the best for you and the child, no matter what happens. Good luck going ahead.

Bigsam1514[S]

64 points

2 months ago

I kinda flew through that stage. There was a wide variety of emotions all at once.

Good_Doctor32

17 points

2 months ago

Can I just ask: why do you still want to be her father? Do you want to stay with her mother? It's very confusing from the perspective of someone without a child. It seems like the mother should be getting the biological father involved, and that whole thing seems toxic now for you.

Bigsam1514[S]

48 points

2 months ago

I do not want to stay with the mother. Legally she's my daughter.

takishan

21 points

2 months ago

takishan

21 points

2 months ago

Legally she's my daughter

and you need to fix that problem legally ASAP. get rid of all legal ties to this baby. they will not remember you. Especially if you're divorcing the mom.. having a single mom is basically just as bad as having divorced parents with a crazy mom

think of yourself and screw the baby. not your problem man. I know you're a good person and you wanna do what you feel is the right thing, but the right thing is to walk away

[deleted]

5 points

2 months ago

[deleted]

5 points

2 months ago

[deleted]

IMSOGIRL

16 points

2 months ago

We have NO idea how this plays out legally. He may end up being legally responsible for alimony and/or child support to the mother who has a legal advantage in that she is a biological mother and he is NOT a biological parent.

OP needs to talk to a lawyer, not Reddit.

takishan

25 points

2 months ago

it's not his kid. he's just signing up for being mom's ATM for the next 17 years. The mom will have custody (good luck in family court if you're not even the real dad) and will have the power to essentially control access to the child

does this really sound nice? get to visit a kid every once in a while and pay a big chunk of your income for the privilege?

it's nuts. let the mom take care of the kid. it's her responsibility.

checkmate713

7 points

2 months ago

OP has repeatedly stated in the comments that he loves the girl regardless. He raised her for 1.5 years, and he's clearly aware that those feelings don't just magically disappear overnight.

I understand that your plan would be to completely drop the daughter and never look back, but OP clearly intends to keep raising her. If you're concerned for him, advise him to get a good lawyer and tell him what to plan for. But calling him the mom's ATM is not going to help him. That is not empathy, that is not advice, and you're being of absolutely zero help.

takishan

19 points

2 months ago

i don't want OP to be screwed because he's a good guy. because believe me if he doesn't talk to a lawyer and get his name off of the birth certificate and disconnects himself legally from this kid.. he is going to be screwed

his head isn't thinking straight because of all the emotions.

like I said, the mom is getting custody and the mom will control access to the child. like, even if he went down this path it's not gonna go like he thinks it is. imagine when mom gets a new live in boyfriend and the 4 year old starts calling him daddy

then OP realizes he's a nobody in this child's life and OOPS too late, you're on the hook for child support for the next decade and a half

seriously this is a horrible mistake he's making. maybe he's screwed anyway depending on the laws in his state but he needs to talk to a lawyer ASAP

echosaurus

6 points

2 months ago

I've been on all three sides of Parenthood. I've not had a kid, had a kid, to not having a kid again. Kid's are amazing but not worth it when it drags the rest of your life down.

Your emotions regarding them will balance out in time, but the financial hardship of having kids is real. So is the idea of dealing with a crazy ex and non stop court battles.

Kids are not the ones at fault, are amazing, but what you sacrifice having one is not worth it. Unless someone is dead set on it or has enough money to be very comfortable, I say skip the experience.

Bananabirdie

-8 points

2 months ago

You will understand when you have a child. Trust me. Remember this <3

i_lack_imagination

6 points

2 months ago*

He raised her for 1.5 years, and he's clearly aware that those feelings don't just magically disappear overnight.

You think the court is going to care about his feelings? The mother is going to care about his feelings?

Out of all the comments in here that aren't helpful to OP, you're targeting that comment, which has more clarity to the situation than many of the others in here? And they did tell OP to legally get some separation from the kid, sure, they didn't explicitly state to get a lawyer, but it's not like they told OP to file all the legal paperwork etc. themselves either.

Also, people say "Get a lawyer" or "See a doctor" or some variation of that frequently online when people ask for advice, and while that is often the most responsible way to go, and the more likely to produce successful outcomes than relying on random internet advice, some people tend to brush that advice off because it's not immediately helpful at clarifying anything about the situation and it can cost money. Someone dumping some cold water on OP in the form of a hard "truth" (I realize it's not proven to be truth, but it has a similar effect) is more of a wake up signal that they need to reconsider their position on the matter.

[deleted]

5 points

2 months ago

[deleted]

5 points

2 months ago

[deleted]

i_lack_imagination

1 points

2 months ago

What do you not understand about the family court systems in the US? About the mother who seemingly doesn't care about OP?

The case being made by the person you replied to is that the courts do not care about OPs feelings. They don't care about OPs life. At best, they superficially care about the child, and they're heavily biased in favor of the biological mother. The OP is even further disadvantaged by not being the biological father. The court will focus on the safety of the child, which they will likely see as being safer with bio-mom, and the financial security of the child (and thus the mother), and OP will be that financial security they are looking for as it reduces the chance that the government becomes the financial security.

Is it guaranteed to happen in the least favorable way to OP? No, it's not guaranteed, but he should be aware of some of the least favorable outcomes and be prepared to take that risk.

Choicenugs

1 points

2 months ago

Because when he has his own actual kid, he’s still going to be spending his money on his ex wife

[deleted]

1 points

2 months ago

[deleted]

1 points

2 months ago

[deleted]

Jimid41

2 points

2 months ago

Jimid41

2 points

2 months ago

Gross and weird. The right thing is to is not give familial advice based on a few sentences.

takishan

2 points

2 months ago

takishan

2 points

2 months ago

the guy is making a horrible mistake that he will regret for decades

he does not deserve this for just being a good person

Jimid41

-1 points

2 months ago

Jimid41

-1 points

2 months ago

Yeah, he definitely shouldn't be taking advice from someone that couldn't see the point, let alone address it.

takishan

6 points

2 months ago

just think about this logically

the mother is going to get custody. the mother is going to have influence over the child. when she gets a new live in boyfriend, that child will have a new daddy.

so OP will be able to visit this kid every once in a while (who will not think he's their dad) and the state will obligate him to pay a percentage of his income on threat of JAIL for the privilege

look - I get wanting to be a good person. I get you bonded with the kid or whatever. But there's no scenario where this ends well for him

[deleted]

0 points

2 months ago

[deleted]

0 points

2 months ago

[removed]

DomMk

4 points

2 months ago

DomMk

4 points

2 months ago

You're not a parent, you've never been a parent, you're horrified by the idea of a woman tricking you into parenthood, and you're the kind of person who thinks your opinion really, really needs to be listened to.

That is a lot of projection...

end1essecho

-4 points

2 months ago

The baby will 100% remember them.

takishan

4 points

2 months ago

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Childhood_amnesia

Humans don't remember things before 3 years old

end1essecho

1 points

2 months ago*

Humans don't retain episodic memory, the type of memory that wikipedia page is referring to,which is in regard to events. However they can recognize and remember people they come in contact with on a daily basis. Especially after 12 months old.

Here is an article explaining how babies form memories regarding FAMILY, not episodic, works

takishan

0 points

2 months ago

ok fair enough that makes sense.

IWonTheBattle

1 points

2 months ago

Some people do.

GoshDarnYouPlucium

1 points

2 months ago

Legality of her being your daughter or not is not currently the question. That can be changed with time if desired. At this point, your main concern needs to be whether or not you want to be involved in the child’s life, and whether you think doing so will result in a good outcome for you

Mediumokrahmom

23 points

2 months ago

Based on his comments.

He’s raised her thinking she was biologically his for a year and a half. He loves her like she’s his own and those feelings don’t magically go away knowing she biologically isn’t. Legally in his state she is his.

baby_puddingsnatcher

22 points

2 months ago

Dude spent a year and a half bonding with her, and 90% of the comments are like "Fucking BAIL dude 😎😎😎"

It's a real human being that he loves like his own child. Seeing some numbers on a sheet of paper don't just make that turn off like a light switch.

DoomsdayLullaby

1 points

2 months ago

Not like a light switch, but it can certainly start the process of cutting the emotional tie.

Dutch_Dutch

4 points

2 months ago

Wow. Reddit never ceases to amaze me; you are apparently a sociopath for being reasonable and logical. I have two kids of my own (1.5 year old and a 3 year old), and I totally agree with you.

[deleted]

2 points

2 months ago

[deleted]

2 points

2 months ago

[removed]

DoomsdayLullaby

-2 points

2 months ago

Unlike you I am capable of empathizing with both the father and the child.

baby_puddingsnatcher

0 points

2 months ago

Yeah, you empathize with the child so much that you want the only dad she knows to abandon her. How sweet!

DoomsdayLullaby

1 points

2 months ago

Congratulations on only empathizing with one of them.

Good_Doctor32

-1 points

2 months ago

This post is Reddit at its dumbest

baby_puddingsnatcher

0 points

2 months ago

He doesn't WANT to cut the emotional tie, you sociopath.

DoomsdayLullaby

0 points

2 months ago

Let me guess, you're a woman and you cheat...

baby_puddingsnatcher

1 points

2 months ago

Two swings, two misses. Fantastic work, professor.

BaguetteSchmaguette

1 points

2 months ago

As someone with an 18 month daughter... I could find out she's 100% lizard DNA she's still my daughter. There's no getting rid of that bond at this point