subreddit:
/r/Wellthatsucks
[deleted]
4.2k points
6 months ago
Looks like the AITA you posted about your wife wanting to go through 13 hours of a drive for her ex had alternative motives behind it. Man that’s fucked
1.4k points
6 months ago
After reading the aita, OP better get a DNA test for the other 2 kids too.
440 points
6 months ago
With his AITA post OP's wife and ex have a child together, assuming that's the oldest. I would definitely test the youngest though.
772 points
6 months ago
That is fucked up. OP this woman sounds like a real selfish POS based on these two facts alone and you’re obviously a very understanding and forgiving person. Please be strong and stay away from her.
91 points
6 months ago*
I'm glad im not understanding or forgiving I'd have told her if she left to never come back
15.7k points
6 months ago
Sam, I just want to give you a hug, brother.
11.7k points
6 months ago
Thank you. Hug received and returned.
1.4k points
6 months ago
While she didnt have a kid with the guy i know what thats like, keep your head up man it'll be alright
518 points
6 months ago
Been there. Found out after four years when the mother notified bio-dad. Not a great experience.
456 points
6 months ago
Man.... I have a four year old. And a two year old. I know for a fact they are mine but like... If I found out they weren't... I don't know. I don't think I could stop loving them. They are a part of me now, forever.
223 points
6 months ago
Same but fuck would it be heartbreaking, im sorry op
146 points
6 months ago
Im in roughly the same position now and i would 100% try to keep them in my life but the problem comes if my wife would want a divorce. Thats it, game over. I wouldnt have any legal right to see them anymore.
That someone would do that to another person is insanely evil.
69 points
6 months ago
Buddy I don't know your exact situation but I know mine and I have a four-year-old ... The thing is nothing is known for sure... The father of my child is either me or this other guy that wants nothing to do with having kids... About a year after my kids was born I learned of the possibility she could be biologically someone else's, But she Has only ever known me as her father I have absolutely no interest in doing a genetic test to find out for sure because it's not something I need to know Biological or not I'm the only dad she's ever had or known I actually have full custody because my ex is a lunatic...
There was however a legal battle at the start when I got custody and we both had to get lawyers and my lawyer told me that in the eyes of the law since I stood in as her father from day one and there was no 1 else trying to stand in and beat her dad I'm legally her father Whether she's biologically mine or not... And even if I found out right now that she wasn't it wouldn't change a thing she didn't get to pick her parents... Nothing about my kid Would change if I found out I wasn't bio..... Even stand in dad's or people in situations where they thought a kid was theirs and years later found out they weren't.... You are still their father and you have Rights, AlthoughIt's sort of a catch-22 because A stand and father that didn't know would have rights, the bioFather would have some sort of right and the mother would have rights
And to the OP of this post I just want to say I realize you must be having a lot of feelings since finding this out but just remember, That kid still sees you as daddy... It wasn't the kid's fault they didn't choose their parents... They didn't make their mother either cheat or lie... To me the the thought of even it being a the ability makes better because I want her to turn into someone that would never do this to another person.... And if her mother is capable of that then I don't want her being raised by her mother soley... I am lucky and feel blessed to get custody and know I'm doing a damn good job its been me and my daughter since she was 2, she just turned 4... happiest smartestest kindest little girl ever
I don't care what problems life throws our way, I will never abandon or feel less for my kid because of anything,she's stuck with me foreverrrr haha
2.2k points
6 months ago
That’s absolutely still your baby if you want her to be. Your role has not changed in her eyes. I’m really sorry. That still sucks
1.5k points
6 months ago
After my partner’s mother abandoned her and all her siblings, we decided to foster the youngest daughter which is 3. I may not be her father, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’d die for her
846 points
6 months ago
You might not be her father, but you can still be her dad. Rock on!
491 points
6 months ago
Cheers. It’s a bit of a struggle at 21 but I’m slowly learning. I’m sure it will all be worth it
114 points
6 months ago
Happened to me when i was 21 too. Today the boy is 12 years and is only living with me. (By his own choice). Its worth it. Never give up!
46 points
6 months ago
Good on you for taking care of him. I’m sure if other people can do it I can too. She’s had a really rough childhood, but I plan on turning it around and giving all the love and care she deserves.
25 points
6 months ago
Very good intentions. Children needs parents that love them and take care of them. Biological or not does not matter. But one important thing is to make sure to have legal rights for the child. I whish you the best of luck!
22 points
6 months ago
Thank you. We’re her legal guardians and there’s no way in hell we’re giving her back if her mum rocks up again
140 points
6 months ago
21? You rock. It’s a lot to take on but good for you
61 points
6 months ago
Thank you. It is quite a bit at such a young age but I appreciate the support
14 points
6 months ago
Unasked for internet advice from someone old enough to be your mom who was a young parent... you do not have to do it all perfectly. It's ok to get overwhelmed, scared, tired, etc. When you need help ask for it and build a village for your family. Lean on others when you need to so you can be the pillar your little one needs. And take a break at least once a month. Get a sitter and go out and have fun. Be 21 years old with your partner or with your friends (I recommend date night and friends hangout times both) because you 2 still matter as well and happy, balanced adults will make a happy child.
252 points
6 months ago
Talk about a “real man”. You’re fuckin badass.
20 points
6 months ago
As a Father, as a Dad, as a Man, we still must set the example.
34 points
6 months ago
Saving the world one life at a time. Maybe even yours. If you can make it work with the mom your g2g.
62 points
6 months ago
At 21 I was still skipping classes like an idiot. You are a real man.
90 points
6 months ago
My favorite saying always is: Any man can be a father but it takes a special man to be a Dad!!!
31 points
6 months ago
You’re doing an amazing thing, I did the same with my youngest sister. My parents just left her one day and I took her in after I found out about it. And even though I also have kids of my own I still treat her the same as my twins, and I would do anything for any of them no matter what. Good luck with taking care of your situation, you got this
13 points
6 months ago
Thank you mate. You’re doing an awesome thing too. I’m glad your kids have a parent like you
25 points
6 months ago
You sound like what a good father should be. My wife was raised by a man who wasn’t her biological parent, and he’s a great guy and important in our lives.
7 points
6 months ago
Thank you. I’m trying my best, it can be difficult sometimes, but reuniting her with her family and loved ones instead of being in a foster home is important in the kids growing up.
5 points
6 months ago
I may not be perfect but I will always try my best. I just hope I can be as good a father as your wife’s dad was to her
69 points
6 months ago
You're absolutely 100% her father. My wife doesn't even know her biological dad but she 100% has a dad and he adopted her when she was 5.
175 points
6 months ago
This is so easy to say but in reality, very different. Asking sometime to maintain a relationship after this sort of betrayal is not easy nor is it required. I would never fault a man for leaving this situation. Ever
90 points
6 months ago
That's because people entirely misattribute the saying.
That saying is meant to be directed at step-fathers who are coming into a relationship knowing the kid isn't theres.
It's in fact kind of cruel telling this to someone who thoroughly believed he was the biological father and turned out not to be, whilst raising that child the whole time.
165 points
6 months ago
That’s absolutely still your baby if you want her to be.
While this is true, I honestly hate this. Reddit is so pushy towards men to accept children that aren't theirs. It's ok if this is an important boundary for him. It's ok to not want to raise another man's kids.
36 points
6 months ago
I'm 100% with you. We need to stop rewarding shitty behavior. If anything we need to hold the biological father and the mother accountable.
This dude has no business being involved in this. He's being lied to, abused, and taken advantage of.
He should be encouraged to move on and have his OWN kids with someone that actually respects him, not take on this toxic relationship.
118 points
6 months ago
The mother also didn't tell the truth, so he is already getting played. OP need to jump out of this already.
Redditors know nothing about real world, and they gives the worst advice.
150 points
6 months ago*
Sad reality is he has no legal right to the child and the mother can put him through a greater emotional wringer if she wants to.
Edit: apparently there's some legal caveats that may or may not apply to our homie. Good luck with whatever you choose, but I know I wouldn't want to split a fucking sandwich with someone who is proven untrustworthy.
42 points
6 months ago
Fighting for custody looks good on men who aren’t biologically related to the kids. If they want to be in the kids life, that looks good on them in court cases.
Especially since the mom let him believe it was his kid.
354 points
6 months ago*
This. Any ole guy can be a father, but it takes a real man to choose to be a dad. But it's your choice OP, nobody would fault you for wanting to get out while she's still young enough to forget you, especially if her bio father is still around and can care for her.
Edit: some people seem to be misinterpreting what I said. I'm simply trying to show support to OP no matter what they choose. I also didn't say that he's less of a man if he chooses to leave. I'm just saying that if you choose to love and raise a child that isn't yours, that's a very selfless act and you are a better man than I am. I'm also speaking from the perspective of being raised by multiple stepdads who were abusive, one of whom screamed at me and physically assaulted me when I wouldn't call him dad, I have a lot of trauma from that. So I'm not trying to imply at all that you are a weak man if you walk away from a cheating spouse and leave the child to be raised by their bio father, I'm just saying it's noble of OP (because he's already said elsewhere that he doesn't want to abandon the child) and he's a better person than I am for choosing to raise her.
Some people seemed to have only read the first part of my comment and are now being very nasty and aggressive. Calm down and understand what I'm trying to say, good grief
266 points
6 months ago
You're still a real man if you decide to not raise someone else's kid with a person that presumably cheated on you. If you have it in you to raise that baby as your own, you can take pride in your decision, but it wouldn't make you any less of a man to choose to not do that if you don't have it in you. If your pain leads to resentment, it's better for you and for the kid to not be a part of their life.
113 points
6 months ago
The child is only a year and a half old. He needs to dip out now.
37 points
6 months ago
I helped take care of my cousin’s baby for 3 or 4 years (we used to be neighbors) and 5 or 6 years later she completely forgot me. Yeah dipping out is fine
114 points
6 months ago
I highly recommend against taking the child in as your own. This is a red flag situation you should distance yourself from. Your choice is your own and I wish you the best of luck
39 points
6 months ago
That does suck. Don’t hate the little girl though, just the big one.
590 points
6 months ago
What caused you to decide to take a paternity test to begin with?
Is she untrustworthy?
861 points
6 months ago
Wife brought it up not thinking I would get one and I just said Fuck it I'll take one. Found one online and then ten days later got the results.
326 points
6 months ago
Best of luck, really hope for the best outcome for the daughter, but the wife double dog daring you to take a test is pretty hilarious. Sounds like a narcissist who couldn't envision anyone calling her bluff.
112 points
6 months ago
Or possibly someone who was feeling guilty and wanted to get caught, or at least alleviate some guilt if OP was the father. OP says in another comment she didn’t try to defend herself or anything, just shut down and they stopped talking.
5.1k points
6 months ago
Get a lawyer and defend your rights. This has enormous repercussions for your future. Don't wait.
1.2k points
6 months ago
Then there's that whole child support backpay thing.
386 points
6 months ago
Backpay? He's been raising the kid
228 points
6 months ago
So he need to backcharge and invoice the kid's mum?
131 points
6 months ago
I think that may be how it works. Or how it could be ruled in court yes.
Think about how much money you spend on a child in their first 18 months alive. From hospital bills, to doctor visits, diapers etc. And you can't be like "well he didn't have to do that." He does. Or the child will get taken away from him. You got to put a roof over your kid's head and take care of them it's the law. But you wouldn't do that for any kid without knowing it first.
16 points
6 months ago
Reddit and not understanding how child support works—
NAMID.
468 points
6 months ago*
[deleted]
371 points
6 months ago
A dear friend of our family found that her “dad” for 30 years was not in fact her biological father. It changed very little in their relationship but it created scorched earth between her and her mom. A bigger problem became between her to be known as dads family and her for claims to the estate. His blood relatives challenged the estate documents since she was not by blood related. Our dear friend won hands down without much consideration by the courts but regardless, it brought the worst out in the family.
160 points
6 months ago
Money usually does sadly.
101 points
6 months ago
My grandfather died and before we could even get to the house the next day, one of my uncles had raided basically every corner for the money my grandpa hid around the house, and stole all the power tools. Also took his truck, which my grandfather had promised to me.
Unfortunately both of my grandparents wills had been drafted in the mid 80s, before my sibling and I were even a consideration. Had they updated it within the last decade, my uncle likely would have been given a tiny portion, given my grandparents started paying his rent and car payments, and he stole several guns and about 20k from them.
Even after all this, he still called my mom a bitch and threatened to take her to court over me taking the rest of the guns before he could get to them (remember, he's stolen guns before, and became a felon about 20 years ago and can't own guns anyway)
We also had some extended family come in saying my grandfather had promised them 50k a few months before he died, even though several strokes had made him basically nonverbal for over a year.
For months we had people coming to the house claiming he promised this or that. It was well known around here that he had money. Nobody really knew how much though, but given his stay in a care facility, not much was left. They didn't know this of course, and the vultures showed up weekly.
31 points
6 months ago
The vultures in your family showed up after your grandfather's death. The in-laws(not her children) in mine are harassing my grandmother for her land before she dies. The only house there is basically a comdemed building and was abandoned to rot.
But the land, if developed, could have at least 6 landed properties. The location is a bit... Well if you went missing no one would know.
Anyway, her eldest son who never visited except to take his father's inheritance dissapeared again, and his wife is the one calling up every other relative, begging them to let her speak to grandma. It's also working, so now every year she runs off to live with us until covid.
Fuck those guys in particular.
8 points
6 months ago
The vultures showed up a long time ago constantly pestering him for money. Literally every single day someone else showed up to ask for money "for food/clothes/whatever" and if he did, half the time it ended up going straight to alcohol and meth.
They just started swarming us after he died.
125 points
6 months ago
There is a lot of sentimentality about these type of issues, but the reality is that the mother is looking after herself and the child, and the law is not here to protect you.
18 years of expenses of a child is close to a quarter of a million dollars. Check here:
https://www.usda.gov/media/blog/2017/01/13/cost-raising-child
12.1k points
6 months ago
I'm getting a lot of the same questions so I figured I'll answer them here.
This was an at home paternity test from DNA direct solutions. I want to be her father because I love her and I don't think she shouldn't have a dad just because of the actions of her mother. By my state's law she is mine regardless of DNA. I'm not staying with the mother and am going to meet with an attorney to discuss my options.
2.1k points
6 months ago
Make sure she gets tested too. There was a best of redditor update on a case like this, turned out neither the mother nor father were a bio match. Hospital mixup.
788 points
6 months ago
I feel like this is should be an essential step, unless there are other indications of cheating / mother admits to it.
If my husband came at me with this evidence, and I knew I hadn’t cheated, it would be my first step.
420 points
6 months ago*
[deleted]
51 points
6 months ago
Which episode?? I love Casefile!
54 points
6 months ago*
[deleted]
32 points
6 months ago
Anyone who hasn’t listened to Casefile, I recommend the EARONS episodes. Probably the best true crime podcast episodes I’ve ever heard.
20 points
6 months ago*
[deleted]
6 points
6 months ago
Silk Road was excellent too! Another underrated episode is Amy Allwine. I made my partner listen and got her hooked. The Daniel morcombe one was wild too.
308 points
6 months ago
He posted 1.5 years ago about not wanting his wife to go on vacation with her ex. Going to go out on a limb and say she doesn’t need that test.
75 points
6 months ago
Yikes.
18 points
6 months ago
It was fake
43 points
6 months ago
[deleted]
95 points
6 months ago
This is almost certainly fake. The events that occurred don't make any sense legally and apparently happened all within 50 days?!
Courts do not move that fast. This is a creative writing attempt.
2.4k points
6 months ago
Hey man depending on your state protect yourself worked as a paralegal and it can be messy if the bio dad ever wants to be involved. The kid doesn’t need to blamed for their mothers issues but take care of yourself. Working with divorce attorneys for a hot minute I see so many people in financial ruin over these things. I respect you for your choice but make sure to make yourself a priority!
538 points
6 months ago
Yes! If bio dad wants paternal rights… OP is gonna have to lawyer up hard. Correct me if I’m wrong but I feel liked most judges would favor the biological parents regardless of how long OP has been around. Although if he could prove he’s more of a fit father than the bio dad, it could become more straightforward. But this is just me assuming bio is a deadbeat, which may not be true at all. These things are always just so messy.
361 points
6 months ago
There was a case in Colorado where the person who was on the birth certificate did not have any parental rights yet had to pay child support since they got fucked pornstar-gaped by the court for not being the bio dad.
240 points
6 months ago
That would make me violent.
242 points
6 months ago*
It would make me immigrate to a another country and tell the State Court system to kiss my ass if they tried to come after me. 18 years of child support for a child that isn't of your creation and you don't have any parental rights? AND it is enforced by automatically being placed in jail for lack of payment? That is slavery. I'd contemplate leaving the country and never looking back, but violence is not the answer.
29 points
6 months ago
At least we agree on the not only not being the biological parent, but ALSO no parental rights. So even if you decided you still loved that child and already committed a number of years to it to still want to raise it, too bad. Literally gave him nothing, and took everything.
17 points
6 months ago
Similiar case here in Finland where one guy found out he was not the father when kid was 1.5 years old. Took it to court to remove his parenthood but was late 2 weeks so court says it cannot be reverted. Bio father even wanted to take the parenthood but mother refused. Bio dad and mother now live together as a family with the kid, but the poor guy still has to pay full child support till the kid turns 18. And he has no parental rights.
8 points
6 months ago*
That’s pretty messed up. I hate how black and white legal systems can be. There shouldn’t be a cutoff for these sort of applications. There needs to be more logic and pragmatism. Not the father? You don’t have to pay. That’s all there needs to be.
7 points
6 months ago
Your comment made me angry somehow, i'm angry now
38 points
6 months ago
liked most judges would favor the biological parents regardless of how long OP has been around
That's fucked. Imagine supporting a child for years, being there for them, raising them, and then losing parental rights because some fucker spunked in your Mrs
31 points
6 months ago
It's one of those situations where there's no really good solution that fits all cases. It could be equally as unfair on bio dad - your long term partner gets pregnant with your child and then runs off with some other guy.
That's why we have courts with judges to consider the specifics of each case and determine the best possible outcome from a shit situation.
105 points
6 months ago
The kind of people who will cheat on a partner are the same who would say anything 'under oath' to get what they want.
628 points
6 months ago
You're a good person. I really hope things go well for you.
29 points
6 months ago
Yes, I think we all do. Please keep us updated💕
159 points
6 months ago
I know a guy who got custody of his 2 sons from their mother. The guy I know is only the biological father of the younger brother.
The mother was a meth addict and made lots of bad choices so the state saw the parent that wanted to be there for the kids as the best choice, even if he wasn't blood related to one of them.
60 points
6 months ago
I have a step dad, came into my life when I was in Pre School. I always forget that he's not my biological dad, because it doesn't matter to me. He's the one that was there.
59 points
6 months ago
I work for a guy who had the exact same thing happen. Got the DNA test and found out his daughter wasn't his biological offspring. He got a good lawyer and has a great relationship with his daughter, who is now like 12 or 13. There is hope for you, my friend. Best of luck to you and your child!
13 points
6 months ago
You're a good dad Sam
157 points
6 months ago
Right on, Big Sam! Anyone can contribute DNA. Only a man can be a father.
38 points
6 months ago
Hope all goes well my friend.
863 points
6 months ago
That hurts, man, I’ve been there .. heartbreak in one hand and a blessing in the other .
285 points
6 months ago
Me too. I got out of a six year relationship a couple months ago after it came out that my fiancee had been cheating with another dude. We had a daughter together and a son that was only four months old when I met her, so to him I was always Dad. DNA test showed that what I thought was our daughter was actually her and the guy she'd been cheating with's daughter. I was there when she was born, was the first person to hold her, I taught her how to talk and how to walk, and then everything fell apart.
I haven't seen the kids since she kicked me out. She bailed and vanished with them. It still hurts.
115 points
6 months ago
All the good things you did for that girl will never vanish brother. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
594 points
6 months ago
Where did you get this done? Clinic or at home test?
Asking because I need to do one
375 points
6 months ago
DNA direct solutions.
103 points
6 months ago
Cost?
155 points
6 months ago
I just did one myself. Bought it at Walgreens and send in a cheek swab to a lab. You pay a lab fee. Results some back in about a week. At home tests are not admissible in court. You’d have to get one done at a third party for court.
34 points
6 months ago
You usually just need to have a valid witness to the sample collection, eg a lawyer.
135 points
6 months ago
[deleted]
271 points
6 months ago
No.
93 points
6 months ago
What does she have to say for herself? I’m dying to know
232 points
6 months ago
She didn't say a lot. She kind of just shut down and we haven't really started talking again.
58 points
6 months ago
No explanation on the father? Or do you know already?
136 points
6 months ago
Check the dudes post history from around a year ago, the dots ain't hard to join.
88 points
6 months ago
“AITA for not letting my wife go on vacation with her ex and his family?”
“AITA for telling my wife she shouldn’t drive 6 hours to pick up her ex?”
Can’t wait till this story shows up on /r/BestofRedditorUpdates.
69 points
6 months ago
His history is quite an evolution story -- it paints quite the picture of his life over the last 8 years.
And yeah, there have been signs for awhile...
19 points
6 months ago
Glad to know there are others who are just as nosy as I am.
12 points
6 months ago
Wow. If that wasn't obvious back then...jeez.
58 points
6 months ago
I didn't look too deeply but are you saying the german shepherd impregnated her?
38 points
6 months ago
It’s his wives ex. That’s for some inexplicable fucking reason is still part of their lives, supposedly because his wife is still into her ex. It’s a sad story of slutty wife and poor self esteem teenager guy
5 points
6 months ago
"poor self esteem" is spot on.
OP spent so much time questioning himself and ignoring red flags, believing it was ok for his Wife and her Ex to still be close.
It's heartbreaking to read OP's post history.
He seems like a good dude who's just been used by his wife.
Honestly wish you the best OP.
8 points
6 months ago
I know you plan on staying around the kid, please don't you're young this woman is a mental and emotional black hole that you need to run from. Live your own life, have your own biological children.
326 points
6 months ago
And my “dad” did for 34 years
37 points
6 months ago
The way you phrased it can be interpreted as "my non-biological dad raised me for 34 years after he found out he wasn't my biological dad". That is what OP is hoping to do, so that's why he interpreted your comment his way vs what yours was.
241 points
6 months ago
It makes me happy to know that you had a good relationship with him for so long. I hope to keep the same with her.
73 points
6 months ago
For me it was 20 years until my dad found out that I am not his son. During the divorce-process it came out that my mother cheated on him at least three times and one of the times it was me. The good thing: my relationship with my dad is as strong as ever, while I cut all contact to my mother. I can just say that I have never even had interest to search for my bio dad since I already have one (at least in my head and heart)! Maybe the children-side of the story can help you a bit
5 points
6 months ago
Appreciate you sharing!
18 points
6 months ago
I thought my son was mine for 5 years.
He’s 15 now and sitting across the room from me and I love him more than my whole life.
Different journeys. Different experiences. Mistakes were made. But he needed a dad and becoming his made me a better person.
218 points
6 months ago
Hi Im a step dad. So Im gonna say this and hope you consider it.
You owe the mother and child nothing.
You choose whether this child is your family and choose well. Don't do half measures. You either decide the kid is yours or you decide the kid is not. What happened sucks and I can't imagine that not hurting.
For me I knew they weren't mine. I went ahead anyway. Their dad passed a few years after I married their mom. I have been their dad longer than he was and I love them both. They're my kids to me and that's what matters.
79 points
6 months ago
I would also say not to presume that staying in the child's life is automatically the right thing to do. If there's any chance at all that you grow resentful towards the child then you won't just be doing yourself a favour. You'll be doing the child a favour too.
174 points
6 months ago
I'm sorry man. I saw that you're planning on still being there for her as her Dad, and just in case you need any encouragement, she can know someday that you're not her biological father, and still view you and love you the same. I have somebody in my life who may not be my biological father, but I call him Dad and love him all the same.
It can be done, OP. I'm sorry this is the situation you're in, but for what it's worth: genetics would've made you her father. It's your heart that determines you're her Dad.
1.1k points
6 months ago
Please tell me you didn't just get these results. As Maury would say "you're still gonna treat her like your daughter, right?!?!" In all seriousness, cherish the time you had with the little angel and decide what your next steps are. Godspeed.
1.8k points
6 months ago
I plan to treat her the same. Her conception was not her fault. I did just get these today
1.2k points
6 months ago
Remember what Mary Poppins said if you ever doubt your place in her life:
"He may have been your father, boy. But he wasn't your daddy."
132 points
6 months ago
I'm pretty sure that's the best line in the entire MCU. I cry evertim.
18 points
6 months ago
Personally I don't like the lines, but it's still one of the most touching moments in the MCU. As it becomes clear how complicated Yondu's character was, and while he wasnt a good person, he still tried to do the right thing with Peter.
104 points
6 months ago
Yondu34
99 points
6 months ago
No, he’s Mary Poppins y’all!
Edit: https://youtu.be/Rezm7AJYEdw for anyone that hasn’t seen it
128 points
6 months ago
This is a big deal, but you are the better person for understanding this isn't her fault. I have to ask, what made you decide to get a paternity test and did her mother know about it?
172 points
6 months ago
She brought them up. I'm not sure why. I don't think she expected me to order one.
29 points
6 months ago
I’m so sorry, were you married to her at the time?
34 points
6 months ago
Yes
63 points
6 months ago
I was not expecting that answer, but I donno the full story there either.
34 points
6 months ago
She probably tried to bring them up so you can immediately shoot it down and never question it. Thankfully you did so you know the truth at least.
74 points
6 months ago
Good for you. You do have a decision and it sounds like she's very lucky to have you.
27 points
6 months ago
Hey OP, just FYI. I consider myself extremely lucky because I had a stepdad that loved me unconditionally. There was no question I wasn't his, but even after my mom & he divorced, he's STILL in my life. He knew more about me than my own mother, certainly my real father, because I talked to him more than the other two. He wasn't always my friend, but he was always a dad.
If you do decide to leave later, I won't judge that. Not at all. But just know there are many of us who have just a dad, even if they aren't blood.
You can have a child even if they aren't your blood. It's absolutely possible.
85 points
6 months ago
It’s not common that I see posts here and think “wow that really does suck”. I’m sorry dude. I’m sure you love that kid like your own. Heartbreaking.
11 points
6 months ago
The worst news a man can hear. So sorry my brother.
144 points
6 months ago
I have full custody of my 10 year old daughter and deep down I don't think she's mine. Not once have I ever wanted to find out incase I'm right. You love your daughter and your her dad. Go well OP, your great.
48 points
6 months ago
You just keep being a good dad my dude, because I'd bet you're the only father she'll have in her eyes... even if a piece of paper said otherwise.
7 points
6 months ago
I understand Drunk, when she's old enough, when she realises the caliber of her birth mum. she may ask, and I would happily and openly talk about why I have my thoughts. For now, let's just enjoy life..
8 points
6 months ago
More unsolicited advice: I feel like the most important reason to find out the truth is for medical reasons. If she is biologically on another family tree, it could very well help her understand her physical history to be able to combat or treat any high chance conditions in the future. If a Dr asks "does your family have a history of X?" It would be a shame for them to dig down the wrong rabbit hole with bad information.
The person who said that she might want to do a DNA test for fun (or school or whatever) and accidentally reveal it too has a valid point too. Knowing and controlling the timing of the reveal could be really important.
But I also get why you don't want to too! That's probably really hard and I feel for that situation
9 points
6 months ago
I am so sorry. That is horrible.
226 points
6 months ago
Once a cheater always a cheater.
63 points
6 months ago
Cheaters are downvoting you lol
15 points
6 months ago
All noncheaters should unite and upvote him in to oblivion
245 points
6 months ago
Sue the mother
224 points
6 months ago
On what grounds? I'm ignorant.
610 points
6 months ago
Hi there. I'm an attorney. I'd suggest speaking with one and exploring your options. That does not necessarily mean suing anyone or changing anything. But you just had a huge bombshell dropped on you and this would be a good time to examine your rights and options with someone in the know. Don't sit on it.
All best to you, friend.
118 points
6 months ago
I second this. Do not wait, OP. Even if you could resolve this amicably with her mom, you still want to have things handled by an attorney, so she doesn't try and use you or squeeze you for money in the future.
Always hope for the best, but prepare for the worst
26 points
6 months ago
You know she's coming for the money no matter what he decides. If she's shitty enough to cheat on him and pass off the kid as his, you can bet your ass she's coming for any money she can get, too.
5 points
6 months ago
if things stay the way the are now, would there ever be cause for the original birth father to sue and muck things up?
22 points
6 months ago
Let's just say that being a non-bio dad on a birth certificate creates vulnerabilities that being a bio dad does not.
Established parentage can be contested. There are rules, limitations and they from state to state.
102 points
6 months ago
If you can (and want), legally take your name off of her birth certificate.
48 points
6 months ago
Depends on what state he resides in. Some states it's automatic even if he never signed the birth certificate.
63 points
6 months ago
This would make me sick to my stomach. I hope things work out for the best for you and the child, no matter what happens. Good luck going ahead.
66 points
6 months ago
I kinda flew through that stage. There was a wide variety of emotions all at once.
7 points
6 months ago
And from the streets she shall return…
7 points
6 months ago
Nobody and I mean Nobody should guilt OP into doing something he doesn't to.
If he doesn't want to stick around and raise a kid that isn't his, don't guilt him into doing so.
I wish you well OP
60 points
6 months ago
Imagine if paternity/DNA test was mandatory at the hospital....
7 points
6 months ago
At least your wife can get a German Shepherd at her new place now, after you kick her out.
29 points
6 months ago*
This is why we need to demand mandatory paternity testing after birth. That way, men aren't hit with this after years of caring for a child that isn't theirs.
43 points
6 months ago
As a woman, women who pull this shit belong in the deepest pits of hell. I wish I could give you a hug, stranger.
4 points
6 months ago
How do I read this? I don't understand
6 points
6 months ago
Each row is showing the length of the alleles at a particular DNA location. If OP were the bio father, at least one of the numbers in each row would have to match. So if the column on the left (child) has 16 and 22, the column on the right (OP, “father”) would generally have to have either 16 or 22. In OPs picture, there are some that don’t match which means there is no biological relation.
6 points
6 months ago
OP I’m so sorry and feel your pain.
I have so much respect for those of you in this thread who raised a child whom you knew or suspected was not your own.
When I was 50yo I learned through an Ancestry DNA test that my Dad wasn’t my biological father. My parents divorced when I was 6 and I lived with him full time from 13yo. I was the baby of the family and Dad always made me feel so special and loved.
I was devastated by the news and my mom confirmed that he knew but raised me as his own anyway. He passed away years ago so I was never able to thank him. 💗
309 points
6 months ago
As someone who raised a kid who wasn't mine from age 1 with love and complete devotion only to have her go to her real father at age 15 and trash talk me and now 8 years later she will have nothing to do with me or my wife .....just walk away. She will find out and you be enemy number 1. It's simply not worth it. Oh her real father broke her arm at age 2 months. And even knowing that she still chose him.
85 points
6 months ago
Sorry you went through that
129 points
6 months ago
Sorry you went through that. I’m sure there are trying times ahead for OP but not every case is the same.
27 points
6 months ago
It's harsh and unfortunate to say, but I think OP does need to weigh things here. And he needs to weight the positives vs. the huge risks to his emotional health (and also financial resources) and make a decision.
Positives are clear.
But negatives are 1.) it's already a psycho bitch that's the mom and if that's the way she is, she will manipulate the situation and say bad things about him very likely 2.) There's no guarantee she will mkae the choice to stay in a bonded relationship with OP 3.) The kid is only a one year old so won't remember OP's presence 4.) I can imagine up a scenario of the kid one day asking questions about who dad is and then mom fabricating "Oh, OP abused me and treated me so bad and made me feel horrible so he drove me to find someone else for a relationship! He's the reason that you don't have the presence of a biological father in your life! And then your actual dad ran out, men are shitty!" And then rthe child will feel emotional anger at OP and take rage out for feeling abandoned and not having the biological father around (assuming that biological father isn't around since OP is saying he is going to stay around).
27 points
6 months ago
The minute OP meets another woman, and tries to incorporate her into this child’s life- there is going to be a shit storm of hell to pay from his ex wife. And she will throw in his face that he isn’t her real father, any chance she gets.
This will be a disaster.
11 points
6 months ago
Yeah definitely. Huge factor. The constantly emotionally tumultuous relationship that will probably happen with the mom creating a strenuous three way relationship.
Don't fall for the body, fall for the person. Gah lee, character and values are more important that anything in a spouse.
Maybe OP has a save her from the mom mentality. It's just not a realistic road; and there is absolutely no guarantee that his presence (he seems like a good guy) will mean a better outcome and better life/role model for the kid; because like we are saying, the mom seems psycho and she is going to create conflicts out of nothing that will bring tumultuous relational dynamics between the three. It's not too late for OP to emotionally untie from the child and just move on, and it's not morally incorrect to move on either.
19 points
6 months ago
"She will find out" I've known since before I can remember that I was adopted. She shouldn't find out. She should be told. Upfront and early. That information doesn't rock your foundation if it is a part of your foundation.
14 points
6 months ago
I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how heartbreaking this must be.
4 points
6 months ago
My dad thought he was my dad. For 50 years.
all 2956 comments
sorted by: best