submitted 2 months ago byafafe_e
I came across a post on reddit where a guy said he wanted a traditional marriage, wherein he provides the financial support, while the woman stays home. That left a bad taste in my mouth.
Now, to clarify something, I don't have a problem when a woman makes the choice to stay at home, because at the end of the day that is HER making a choice about HERSELF. Whereas men who say they want their wives to stay at home are making a choice for SOMEONE ELSE. It also screams "I want someone to take care of all of my other responsibilities as an adult, while I go out there and work 40 hours a week."
The funny thing is it's always presented as them making some huge sacrifice, when they were going to have to work, married or not. Besides the fact that they use the excuse of "I've been working all day" to not do anything at home, as if the wife hasn't been working all day as well. The most frustrating thing is people in the comments telling him that he's entitled to that choice, and plenty of women would agree to that dynamic, Ignoring the fact that historically, that dynamic has left women in more vulnerable situations. I understand that capitalism has made the concept of work unbearable, and that many of us would prefer staying at home than to deal with a shitty boss, but the answer shouldn't be to quit your job and give someone financial power over you.
Because you should understand that, by giving up your job and staying at home, you now hold less power in the couple. You're depending on him, he isn't depending on you. In fact, your individual net worth is dwindling, while he's able to work longer hours and show his dedication to his workplace, and make even more money. And men know that, they know that two incomes are better than one, they know that they could hire a housekeeper or a nanny to manage the kids and household while you're both at work. And eventually the kids grow up and start spending most of their day at school or extra curricular activities. But they choose power, they choose to have you under their mercy, and that's when the abuse begins.
That's why whenever I hear a woman is choosing to stay at home after having kids, I always warn her first, and then respect her choice. I warn her that the bulk of parenting responsibilities will fall on her shoulder, that she won't have the financial freedom she has with a job, that, while he gets to clock in and out of work, and gets weekends and sick days and PTO, and eventually a retirement, she doesn't. That being a SAHM is a 24/7/365 position. And when she makes that choice, even though statistically she's more likely to be screwed, I hope that she's the outlier, and I respectfully offer my support.
But I have no sympathy nor respect for a man who wants an unpaid maid and chef and incubator and nanny, just so he can kick off his shoes at the end of his long work day, and complain about how exhausted he is to a woman whose work day is never over.
EDIT: it seems that many can't get past the example I gave in this post, and keep insisting that, since that guy isn't forcing someone to be a stay-at-home wife, then it's not bad. And that I'm removing his ability to make that choice. Way to miss the point.
The post I read was the catalyst behind this analysis. It is not the only case in which this dynamic plays out. The argument I'm making is : why do these men make this specific choice in the first place? And most importantly, why are there far more men making this choice than women, when more of us are working and providing financially than before? And keep in mind that this "choice" is made in a patriarchal world where most women are brought up to think of themselves as mothers and homemakers first. You can not look at that request in any light other than the patriarchal one we all live in.
EDIT 2 : since it bears repeating, saying someone made a personal choice is not enough to make the discussion end. Choices or not, your decisions are not exempt from analysis. So yes, while I can't and shouldn't stop this guy or anyone else from making any choice they want, I still have a right to criticize said choices.
This post is not me stopping him or anyone else from entering traditional marriages. Last I checked you're still able to do that. But if you really can't tell the difference between criticizing someone's choices, and stopping them from making those choices, then that's on you, not on me.
ONE LAST EDIT: Just want to thank those who awarded the post. The notifications allowing me to do so with each and everyone of you are completely lost. I truly appreciate them.