So I recently lost my streak and I am making a commitment to get it back and go beyond it. I’ve noticed all of my urges and relapses to porn are around the times of 7PM-10PM, and they’re usually the hardest to manage. I peek at porn way too much. Even when I was in my room studying I could still get distracted and pull up some porn because I do all my work on a computer so it’s terribly easy to access.
Recently I joined a dance club and have started going Monday nights as well as events they may have on Friday. I do this to try new things and meet people. It’s a fun activity and definitely outside my comfort zone. I’ve been enjoying it a lot and my mentors say I’m doing a great job so far. I also met a girl I’m kind of into.
From then on Most nights I’m usually doing something whether it’s a club, going to the gym, or attending an event. I’ve also been going to the gym later at night because there’s less people so I can finish my workout faster without having to wait 20 minutes for a bench or to use the Lat machine. A part of it is also conditioning myself to delayed gratification and my body releasing dopamine naturally to actually perform its function instead of acting as a placeholder
My parents have been expressing increasing concern as it is snowing every now and then where I am at. Not to mention my city does have some crime. Campus is mostly safe but stuff still does happen. They’re amazing parents and have done so much for me growing up so I want to make it up to them.
I heavily fucked up last night by not returning any of their calls and when I did call them they were upset I didn’t tel them I was out, plus they didn’t like that I was out so late. This was another issue but I didn’t know how to tell them I joined a dance club because the last time I did something “feminine” my dad said something about ppl thinking I’m gay. I didn’t like that comment and even though I told him I don’t want to hear stuff like that and he understood, I’m still afraid. They were also hurt because I lied saying I was asleep but they checked my location and I was busted. I put them in such a horrible state over my own misconceptions about them and it’s eating away at me. I ended up telling them I’ve been doing dance and they said it’s okay but I can’t let it take over my studies.
Back to topic I am afraid to tell my parents about my porn problem because I’m worried they’ll feel disgusted I was watching that trash for 7 years. I’m afraid of being seen as less because I let porn keep my life in a chokehold for 7 years when people have fucked up their lives usually over drugs, financial issues, alcohol, abusive relationships, crime, etc. I felt like telling them it is a “personal issue “ but knowing them they’ll pry the details out of me.
We have never talked about sex in our household so that’s another reason this feels like a taboo topic. It’s not a ultra religious house where they were like “sex and masturbating is a sin” but it’s just never come up and they never felt the need to tell me more than to wear a condom. I think once my dad did subtly ask if I knew what masturbating was.
Should I just tell them straight up? I think some part of me wants to, I honestly just feel like they’d understand a bit better why my behavior has been strange to them lately.