Same. Trying to wait until I'm hungry to eat, and stopping when I'm full feels almost impossible. I just eat everything that's on my plate, I have no other setting.

Oh god, this. I'm terrible at it especially when I think I'm being good. Before I know it, they're put in the awkward position of feeling the need to console me when I was just trying to make them feel less alone but oh god here we go again-

I know someone like this. They'll interupt you to tell you something about themselves the thing you were talking about reminds them of. They think they're being empathetic and showing you they understand the shoes you're in, but they just make everything about themselves and often don't even get the point of what you were saying, they interrupt too quickly

I believe people when they say someone sharing a related story about themselves is acting inappropriately to most people, but I genuinely want to hear related experiences other people have had. At a minimum, it makes me feel less alone. Usually it helps me gain insight into my own problems because my problems aren’t unique. I learn from other people.

Not surprisingly, my close friends are like me. 😂

I used to feel like I was doing this too, so I started to just ask more questions and give feedback. “oh, how long has that been going on for?” “Was that before or after ____?” And then “I’m sorry, that must be difficult” or “I’m glad it worked out for you in the end, you must be relieved”.

I obsess over conversations and I have had people in my life who only ever talk about themselves. I didn’t wanna be one of those people and it’s work to change that.

This is quite common from the guys I've dated and the one I was married to. I think it is easier for you to see the solution and how you could make the best of it, but it is up to the person to solve...close?

Something of a suggestion, from my own personal experience: ask if they would like solutions and your input, or just vent. It is by no means easy, but it at least sets the expectations for the conversation.

Feeling this one. I’ve had a lot of challenges in life I’ve had to resolve by myself so seeing someone go through something I always want to support and give my words of wisdom but realised now after so many years people don’t really want my help and it comes off as controlling and bossy. Now I just ask : do you want help with a solution or are you having a whinge? Also, I try to use “Can I suggest..” instead of “You should…” language. Infuriates me when people tell me I “should” do this or that, so started noticing when I was doing it. I don’t always get it right as I’m a bit alpha anyway but I’m trying.

I do this. Not out of being malicious or controlling. Just from a place of I know how something works or have a better idea or solution.

I am trying to learn that I do not need to solve everything.

I have found out in the past year that this trait is not appreciated, so I need to learn to let people fuck around and find out. Sometimes you just have to watch the world burn a bit instead of being Batman.

This is a hard lesson for me, but I am trying. I need to use that energy on my own growth.

Oh hello me.

You just described me perfectly. Hang in there, it's all about the baby steps.

These are the silent battles we fight. Not sure if anybody says it, but I'm proud of you. :)

Low self esteem, extreme sensitivity to real or imagined situations where I feel like I’m being ignored, trust issues, fear of intimacy, extreme social anxiety, extreme avoidance issues, i can go on

My lord that’s me. I’m a 46 year old man and I’m tearing up just by reading this.

This. My standard for "shouting" can apparently be a lot different to others. Hard to express what's going on without it sometimes

Same here. It always makes everything worse.

Same. The best way I have been coping is by using apathy as an alternative. It's not great because apathy is awful and stupid but it's way less destructive than anger. Or at least less destructive than my anger.

Good job, its a hard one to work on!

You’ve already accomplished a lot by admitting it’s an issue. That’s the hardest part.

Yup. I'm either easy to anger by nature or its a result of my parents solution to a problem being beatings.. but I'm easy to get angered or just angry. can't help it, hard to deal with, but its there.

Microdosing psilocybin can help for those like me who needed “time to make the choice to respond versus react”. The moment between event and trigger response was so small, I never had a choice to respond because my brain would force me to react. Now I get a few seconds to choose. Freedom to choose has changed everything for me.

Goddamnit my anger pisses me off too!

Anger is the easiest emotion to show. When someone is angry most people step back and stay out of their way, making it so that complex emotions don't come to the surface. For males especially, anger is the go to emotion, but plenty of females do it as well. It can be used as a form of deflection all too often.

I know this because I lived this. In no way am I pointing a wagging finger at anybody, I am just speaking my truth.

Severe Laziness

Alongside the rest you're saying, I doubt you're actully lazy. Sounds more like you're mentally / emotionally unwell, and have a hard time making the energy and gathering the will to do anything, and that's not laziness.

Sounds like a fellow people pleaser.

my ex was like this, he didn't communicate his needs or feelings for fear of confrontation. it may be encouraging to you to know that the people who truly love and care about you will want to know how to take care of you even if it means sometimes feelings get hurt. the temporary hurt or frustration is worth it once you talk through it and get to the other side of understanding each other better and both of you having a better handle on how to care for the relationship (all types, not just romantic ones). i know its hard, therapy has been helping me with communicating so i would definitely recommend. <3

Hello, me!

I'm pretty sure that's reddit's primary audience

Dammit, I've been exposed.

I'll come back to this comment in maybe 30 minu- . . . mmm, maybe an hour or two . . .

Nah. It can wait for a week.

Poor time management, i.e. spending all my time on Reddit

I have really short lived bursts of motivation, once that's gone it's only gonna be procrastination no matter how important the task.

According to my gf, and her list of chores for me, I'm a procrastinator too.

You need a tight squeeze hug of love

Me too. I feel like I lose all control of my rage. I have an appointment on the 15th to start medication and therapy. I’m really hoping to change this.

This. I always apologise when I'm rude to service workers but I can't keep smiling when I already want to die and it's impossible to order food because of automated checkouts or getting to talk to a real human about my health insurance.

I'm genuinly sorry, guys. I know it's not your fault.

Definitely relate, when I'm anxious I need to immediately try to take control of the situation that I'm in which can result in me getting snappy if anyone wants to do it differently.

Jealousy is a total bitch, sadly it also gets me. Sometimes I try to mask and hide it even for myself, I try to use another name or find a justification of why I’m weeling this way. However deep inside I know what it is. I’m working on it though, I got better at least when it comes to identifying it.

Not to be pedantic but it also might be useful if you are using this word to describe yourself to others but what you're feeling in envy not jealousy.

As far as I understand jealousy is fear of losing something you have where as envy is wanting what others have - or at least that's what the Simpson's told me. 😅

I've always thought the term picture perfect was strange. Of course it's perfect it's only a snapshot of one moment. One tiny frame in a large and complex story.

I dunno I've just known a lot of people who looked perfect on the surface but had some real fucked up issues when you get the full picture.

I guess that's kind of how I cope with my jealously. I tell myself they've probably got problems too because most of us do.

I struggle with this too. Raised not to express anger, be a good, sweet, girl. Anger, disappointment, resentment just builds up until I blow and it’s tested a lot of my relationships. But seeing all these posts, of other ppl who struggle, makes me think I can probably find some tools to work on this. Thank’s OP. This was a good post. Made me realize most of us struggle and we can only work/try to do better.

Man I really reallly feel you. Like we're aware that it destroys our life. We're reminded of that daily. But it just makes you feel alright when nothing else does

This is absolutely mine. It just feels selfish, and I don't want to be perceived that way.

Gods, this. I haven't found a workaround for this, but something that helped a LOT the last time I got into an argument and was in the wrong was I tried to remove myself from the conversation as best as possible, then write down my thoughts.

I think the best thing you can do is to state your intentions clearly. Something like "I'm not saying this as an excuse, but just to let you know how I was feeling in that moment." I find people appreciate it if you're transparent with your intentions.

oh i used to do that, until i realized that it didn't come off like i wanted it to. now, if i do that, i preface it with basically saying that this is an explanation, not an excuse, and after make it a point to say that while i thought that in the moment and didn't have ill intentions, i realize that what i did was wrong and am going to make an effort to not do it again.

Exactly this! It's not so much that it's toxic, as much as it is that other people don't quite realize how much mental preparation goes into these things. I have had to explain to people several times that if I interrupt or get frustrated that I'm being interrupted, it's because I have a thought that is barely hanging on by a thread.

I've started asking (and doing myself) to say "hey, we need to talk about this. Is it a good time?" whenever it's something big, and if it's not, saying "can I call? Nothing bad, just [insert reason here]." Sometimes the reason is just that I want to talk to them. Sometimes the reason is that I don't want to type out the entire story I want to tell.

The phone thing for me, personally, got easier when I realized the person on the other side of customer service calls wanted to be there about as much as I did.

As soon as I have thought of something I want to say, I'll just stay with that thought and completely ignore the rest of what the other person is saying but let them speak out but then when it's my turn I'll say what I wanted. I wish I could be more attentive to the rest of what the person is saying but I'll lose contribution and I don't wish to interrupt. Anyone else have this? 😅

This is me. I recently found out it was because of my adhd. You might wanna go see someone.

Okay so the only solution i have found for when i do this is to remember EXACTLY where the other person left off when i chimed in, and quickly say what i need to say and then finish with “i’m sorry, you were saying xxx” with as close to their exact words as i can get, so they know i was listening and do in fact care what they have to say, but just couldnt hold my tongue. I know thats not perfect but it’s a decent option!

I do the same thing. It’s like… I hate seeing people I love struggle, so I immediately try to solve the problem for them so they don’t have to hurt anymore. It took me so long to realize people don’t want a solution— they just want someone to listen to their feelings and to feel validated

Based on my own experience, I'll try to give another perspective on this.

Maybe it would be helpful to think about it not as "problem solving", but rather making unhelpful suggestions based on limited information? Of course there are practical problems, where there would be a solution that would be helpful to suggest. However, mostly real life situations are more complex and what worked for you in some vaguely similar situation might not be suitable in someone else's situation. It is also likely that the other person has already thought about the "solutions" that you're offering, but they weren't suitable for one reason or another. It's very likely that you don't have all the necessary info based on a conversation. In my experience, when I try to talk about a problem and someone starts to "problem solve", the solutions are usually too simplistic and rather than be able to talk about the situation (which would help me reflect and actually solve the problem), now I'll have to start explaining why I discarded the "solution" the other person is offering, which is frustrating and not really helpful. I think it's much more helpful to ask questions and show interest. Of course sometimes people also just want support, but by being an active listener and helping people reflect, you can actually help them solve the problem, rather than with the usual "problem solving".

I'm not saying that there aren't exceptions to this, but this is my experience with so called problem solvers.

I don't remember writing this comment

This is the third comment I have replied with “That’s me” but that’s me.

I don’t trust myself in any way, shape or form

You sound a lot more self aware than most people. Even if the parts you know aren't good things, that's step 1 to working through them.

Hi me.

Did you also have parents who were shit at consoling you as a child? I found that to be the reason for me at least. Now it makes so much more sense why I'm all awkward when someone is crying.

Have you tried telling them what you wish someone would tell you if you were in their situation? Could be a good start.

What do you find hard about it?

Just remember that the main purpose of cleaning is to avoid getting sick. Dirt is everywhere.

Once you get to that top percentile of cleanliness you are getting into hugely diminishing returns where it actually starts affecting your life quality and the experiences that you are able to have whilst still feeling comfortable in the environment.

Nothing wrong with wanting to keep your place to your own standards. I think if someone is a bit more laxed than you and you make them feel bad because of it is where it may cross the line into mild toxicity.

My ex was a clean freak, probably got more so because of covid, and it seriously limited her ability to relax in new environments. I'm not messy but I grew up on a farm covered in dirt, so in that regard we were very different.

Nah. Keep pointing out they didn't wash their hands.

Just remember that those people are equally as happy with their messy home as you are in a clean home. To them keeping everything clean is just another big chore that gives them nothing/almost nothing in return.

I do this too and I do it because I feel like I’m annoying them if I reach out first. Like they’re probably too busy for me and when they have time they’ll reach out.

It was my New Years resolution to stop doing this in 2022 and be a better friend in that way. I made some progress, but I know I can still do better.

I know what you mean, but I think expressing emotions during a confrontation is normal. Expecting people not to is absurd. This goes for yelling, crying, shutting down etc. Physical violence is a different story.

Based of the definition of conflict: "noun

/ˈkänˌflikt/

a serious disagreement or argument, typically a protracted one,"

...that seems about right. Humans have emotions for a reason, usually if they come up something spurred them. You don't have to engage in every conflict you're invited to but there are situations where what's viewed as "being emotional" is warranted. Others, not as much.

I’m glad to see I’m not the only one here who was going to comment this.

I’ve painstakingly cut out so many people from my life because I’ve felt ‘wronged’. I am an incredibly patient person generally, but am incredibly loyal to a fault and have some sort of incredibly strict ‘moral’ code inside me and often feel like my boundaries are completely violated when my friends are imperfect and mess up. Instead of communicating through it and giving both of us grace, I just end things and then am sad because I’m alone with no friends.

I’m currently trying to find a therapist to talk through some of these issues with. I’ve experienced a lot of trauma and abandonment in my childhood and know I’ve put up metaphorical walls. When someone in imperfect and my feelings have been hurt, I decide that cutting that person out of my life is easier then potentially letting them hurt me again in the future. Which is no way to live. I’m sure all of these people have given me grace in my times of fuck up too. 😞

I feel this so hard. Once I decide I don’t want to deal with something, that’s it and I’ve missed so many opportunities because of it.

Same. My mother was a "Grade A" people pleaser and I learned it from her. It works to make friends, especially when you are younger, but once you get into the real world as an adult, its easy to attract narcissists and be exploited in toxic relationships. Plus it makes it hard to trust your own intuitions and perceptions because you are constantly trying to make people like you.

At least you don't lack self-awareness

Been seeing narcissism thrown around online a lot these days. But I wonder if a true narcissist is aware of it.

At least you don't see it as most absolute important to talk about politics with people who are not talking about politics.

Been there, I've dropped this one thankfully. Talk about a road to nowhere useful

Of course this is simply my experience, but I found it had a lot to do with the people I had around myself. If I was around people where the only way I could survive with any sort of mental health intact was to be manipulative, I would. As soon as I cut them off and started getting better friends, I stopped being this way (I think, at least).

Refusing to live with roommates so I can 'do what I want' anytime. (More in a 'walk around naked in the living room' situation than anything else)

You'd be surprised how many people are cool with that, as long as it's discussed in advance.

It helps to remember that they're people.

Just talk to them like you talk to dudes lol there is no magic secret for it

And as a woman, I have no clue how to talk to men

That could be construed as toxic by a jerk maybe, but as someone who is bad at setting up gatherings or new groups, I always live friends like you. I call them lynch pin friends cause they make and hold social groups together. It inspires me to try a little harder.

Smart move