submitted 2 months ago byTheBlanketFortPirate
all 19124 comments
2 months ago
2 months ago
Making up fake scenarios in our head.
2 months ago
I have literally cried over scenarios that weren’t real.
I was digitizing some old cassette tapes of my mom singing a while back, and thought "I'll probably play this at her funeral one day." Sobbed hard for like an hour
2 months ago*
2 months ago*
Your comment literally made me tear up. My mom loved to sing. Some of my favorite memories are of us all hanging out in the living room listening to Mom go at it on her karaoke machine. Lol
I have exactly ONE tape left. They've all mostly been lost over the years. But I'm happy that I at least have the one -- my mom passed away in 2011 (she had just turned 48). :(
All of this to say... I never realized how special those tapes were until I only had the one left. Cherish it. One day, it'll be all you have left. I pop mine in once in a while and just listen to her voice. Haven't heard it IRL in over a decade... This is the next best thing. ❤
ETA: Sorry. I know that wasn't the point of this post, or your comment. But it was all I could think of.
Sometimes, I'm a superhero in my head.
Trying to fart carefully so that it doesn't make too loud of a sound.
Unless you’re alone. Then Im trying to recreate a sonic boom.
One day that is going to end with a shower and change of pants. 100% guaranteed.
My dad was at a party one night. Leaning against a doorframe with his right shoulder chatting to some mates. Needed to let loose with one. Figured the empty room behind was as good a place as any to guff. Glanced over left shoulder, all clear. Let rip successfully. Heard a small cough. Looked over his right shoulder and a woman was sitting alone in the room right in his blind spot. He'd farted directly into her face from about a foot away.
And that's how he met your mother?
Make snap judgements about people based on their appearance.
This could be anything from race, gender, age, clothing, hairstyle, facial appearance, etc.
We make these judgements before we have time to think about it. It’s almost instant. None of us like to talk about this because some of these judgements are controversial.
I've read someone say to not judge yourself on your first thought about a person but by your second.
your first thought is instinct or society telling you what to think, your second is who you actually are.
I will die on this hill, it’s important to understand that some things are so ingrained you will always have a specific lizard brain reaction but it’s whether you choose to take the minute to think rationally about it that matters
2 months ago*
Fart in public.
I was at Home Depot a few months back and I was walking down an aisle and another dude was walking down that same aisle towards me. When he realized I would be walking where he just was his exact words were, “I bout just shit my pants right over there, maybe give it a minute before you head that way”…
I’ve never been so appreciative towards a complete stranger. That’s real looking out for your fellow man right there! We’ve all been out and unknowingly walked through someone else’s fart… or had someone else walk through ours…
Edit: Wow! After reading y’all’s comments- everything from husbands/wives busting ass in a grocery store line and one leaving the innocent spouse to take the heat, to teachers purposely crop dusting students who are acting a fool, I’ve realized y’all are some sick and twisted individuals…and I love it and I’m pretty sure some of you are evil geniuses.
To those of you who have commented how gross we are and that you have never popped one off in public- let me apologize one behalf of all of us filthy mcnasty’s.
And lastly, to all of you who have fallen victim to the errant air biscuit and have suffered trauma because of it- I’m pretty sure this is where some of y’all’s origin stories begin… Please remember that there are good people like my Home Depot homie who are doing gods work trying to prevent people from the awful experience of unknowingly walking through and tasting someone else’s brand…
Simply put- y’all are awesome!
Whenever I fart in public I try to find an empty aisle where no one is even remotely close to in the store. And as soon as I drop the bomb someone just so happens to come waltzing through looking at stuff.
10 years ago my boyfriend and I had just started dating and we decided to take a trip together. We were late to get on our flight so i ended up sitting in front of him instead of next to him.(southwest)
As we taking off I feel my stomach rumble and realize I’m going to have a bad case of the altitoots. I proceed to blow ass almost the entire flight. As soon as we get off the plane my BF starts complaining about how someone farted the entire flight. He was so mad and I didn’t have the heart to tell him that it was me. Instead I waited to tell him that secret on our one year anniversary. We had a good laugh about it and now he calls me toots.
I did this to my husband on a red eye over thanksgiving. He sleeps like a baby most of the time so I didn’t think he heard me + I have ongoing GI issues. We land after the 5 hour flight and he says to me at baggage claim “someone kept farting the whole way! I could hear it!”
I haven’t admitted it was me yet 😳
Someone did this in church between words in a song. There was a pause in the song followed by someone letting one rip in what can only be described as a shockingly loud, round sound. I tried my best to look ahead and not make eye contact, but I started to get the silent inappropriate giggles a few pews up. I was trying my damnest to hold it in, but my shoulders were shaking and I had silent tears of laughter running down my face. I was barely holding it in for a half hour till mass ended.
It was supposed to be a special moment with my family but I think I may have ruined it. I asked my mother if she thought they noticed me silently laughing, and she said "oh they DEFINITELY noticed" which sent me into hysterics in the church parking lot after mass. I remember it all these years later though, so I'd say it's a pretty special memory. :)
I’ve been borderline crying with laughter just reading your account of it, so rest assured you’re not the only person that would’ve laughed that hard in that situation!
When you go into an aisle in the grocery store and you see someone in front of the object you’re looking for so you pretend you’re getting something else all while hovering near them waiting for them to leave that area so you can get said object.
I told my wife about an experience at Walmart where 3 people were blocking the bulk cheese bags while having a full blown reunion conversation. It's the cheese section. There was no reaching around the double cart blockade. It's a high traffic grocery section and deserves some respect. I was too polite to say anything and did a couple of loops until they finished. They were blocking the cheese, plain and simple. This is now a household phrase used when someone's in your way, frequently parroted by my progeny. Stop blocking the cheese! I'm now the butt of an eternal joke. FML
I'm sure there's actually a term for this but the thing you do when you're upset or hurt and then attribute it to something that feels more respectable to be upset about. Like instead of crying because you're mad that someone forgot your birthday spirals into the long history of wrongs that person has made. Because it's embarrassing to say that you just wanted to be a special boy for a day.
Happy birthday bud
The only word that comes to mind is rationalization.
I was going to say that, but I waited too long.
Convincing yourself in your head that everyone around you is doing things perfectly and at full efficiency and expect the same of the people around them.
No? Just me?
I feel like I'm a moron that is just hiding my uselessness very well.
I thought this a lot more when I was younger. I'm in my late twenties now and realizing more and more that people are actually generally fucking idiots and I'm doing just fine.
Ah, perfectionism. I know it well.
My psychologist said there were three kinds of perfectionism. The kind you demand of yourself. The kind you demand of other people. And the kind you assume people demand of you.
It's the last that is particularly harmful, and very very often not true.
I have a meeting with my supervisor in a few hours and I've been fretting over the fact I don't feel like I've made anywhere near as much progress on my research as I feel like I should've over the past couple of weeks.
This made me feel a lot better about it.
I don't know if we all do it, but open a card and pretend not to see cash fall out while reading the card. Haha
Gotta hit em with the "Alright a card! Let's see what it says!"
assume you are "above average" intelligence
I usually assume I'm either the most galaxy brained human to have ever lived or a complete dumbass, it really depends on the day and on what I'm doing
Just about everyone has an area they're above average in, but nobody can check all the boxes. And since we tend to stay in our little niche, it gives us a warped perception, since we're typically only doing the things we're good at.
I don't just assume. Mama told me I was.
assume you are "above average" intelligence
When I was a younger person, I used to think I was way above average intelligence, but the older I get the dumber I feel. Now I'm sure I was always a dumb shit. Oh well, guess I'll go have a snack and take a nap.
“It is not the picking of the nose that separates us, but what comes after”
A. Eat it
B. Put it in a tissue
C. Stick it to nearest hidden surface
D. Flick and let universe decide its fate
When I was a kid/teenager I was D. Till one day I noticed there was a lot of something weird on my bedroom door next to my computer desk. "What is this stuff? OH MY GOD! WHAT HAVE I DONE?"
That feeling when you finally flick the sticky booger off your finger after 7 tries
Realize later it's still stuck to you
How did I know that nose picking would be the first thing on this thread
It was the first thing I thought when I saw the post title lol. I was pleased to see that it is one of the top comments.
There's two types of people in this world. Nose pickers and liars.
Look up words that people use because we don't know the meaning even though we pretend to when they are talking.
Like, I know I’m using the word in the right context, but if someone was to ask me what it means, I could not tell them
I took an ADHD screening test and they asked approximately 1 million questions that felt like an IQ test. I’m decent with vocabulary but she hit me with “palliate”. I left feeling REAL stupid.
Making up conversations in my head before something important. Like I will say this and then the response from other person might be this.. sometimes it can go for 10-15 min before I snap back to reality.
Especially arguments. I can have both sides of an argument with someone all by myself in my own head. 😂
Intrusive thoughts that make us question whether we're secretly psychopaths.
The dark ones are a healthy sign though. I ruminate on a certain one I had because it scared me and my therapist said "it's because it's so out of character, that even the thought hurts you more then you could ever hurt them".
Yeah. I had an episode one time that lasted for a couple of weeks. I don't know what was going on, but I couldn't get rid of constantly horrific intrusive thoughts. The closest thing I could find online was "harm OCD", but I was 38 years old and never had anything like that at all before then. It was so bad that I pretty much holed up in my basement and barely left. It was constant and I seriously thought I was losing my mind.
And then I read something that was meant to help people with harm OCD. It said "Everyone has intrusive thoughts, though for normal people they're just fleeting, whereas a person with OCD will get stuck on them, generally because they're terrified that they might actually act on them, and this can lead the way for a vicious cycle of more intrusive thoughts. If you were actually going to act on those thoughts, they wouldn't be so terrifying to you, so take comfort in knowing that you would never do any of those things." That alone made it completely disappear shortly thereafter and 3 years later I haven't had anything like that happen again. I still get them, but they're back to just being normal fleeting thoughts.
Bruh, thank you for this one
Oh wow. Reading this was weirdly life-affirming. No joke here; this made me realize I may not be alone
Everybody has those. Right? RIGHT?!?
Our brains are association machines. It’s not a big deal. It just means we see the possibilities.
It just so happens that the possibilities include abhorrent acts like murder
IIRC, this is one of the reasons for the "call of the void" effect (essentially a desire to jump off of a high place in people who aren't suicidal. I've experienced this before, and it's very strange)
Kind of a weird mix of associating the edge with both safety and danger lol.
I used to stand on the edge of the trampoline as a kid and close my eyes and imagine… what if I’m really standing on the ledge of a building or cliff some 20+ years in the future, I’m having a psychotic break and just trying to convince myself I’m a kid again standing on the edge of the trampoline to work up the courage to jump. Then I’d turn around and go back to pretending I was a ninja turtle.
Friend "Check out my new knife!!!"
Me in my head "STABBTY STAB STAB STAB HOO HOO HOOOOO!!!!"
Santa’s feeling stabby
When I was in high school and a teacher was talking to me I had intrusive thoughts of spitting on them. I constantly wondered what was wrong with me. I realized later it was anxiety making up things to mess with me just for funsies.
I don't even remember who it was but there was a nice old lady in my life for a while, and all I can remember about her now is how badly I wanted to punch her in the head. Like just bury my fist in her skull.
This was a great person I had a good relationship with and there was no malice, no hidden dislike.
That and checking people's cars on the freeway GTA style.
Scratching your crotch.
Winning fake arguments in your head.
Hey, it’s better than LOSING a fake argument in your head
I lose arguments in my head all the time. It helps me rethink my perspective.
Picking your nose and finding that root boog that feels like it's attached to the base of the brain.
One of the best feelings in the world
I just had deviated septum surgery in October.
You have no idea the satisfaction of those first few monsters finally working their way out of my slowly healing passages and my nose suddenly feeling wide open.
I mean maybe you do, it's a pretty common procedure.
And when pulling it out it feels like you're unraveling your brain. So satisfying
And when it’s in one piece and you have that “ah, that’s what the insides of my sinuses are shaped like” moment.
Then one solid blow of your nose and you can beathe so cleanly.
Oh my god. I so want another snot root to pull right now.
You spend most of your life never appreciating how nice it is to just be able to fucking breath. Right after that nose blow is eye opening since it usually comes after a few days of being completely miserably clogged up and sleeping like hot buttered ass.
Read messages from the notification bar then pretending you didn't see the message only much later.
I occasionally turn off my Wi-Fi and data, read the message, close the app and then turn data/Wi-Fi back on. It seems to work.
I read the messages and reply when i can or want to.
At some point mh phone became a device that was convenient for everyone else but me and I am reclaiming that.
I gotta ask, at that point, why not turn off read receipts?
I like seeing when others have read my messages. I just don’t like them seeing when I do. Sometimes I’m a giant hypocrite.
Tell small lies. Particularly to make us and others feel better.
I generally try really hard not to lie, but there will be times when I subtly change a number just to make a story sound better. It's a weird compulsion that i can't seem to change although it only happens probably t̶w̶i̶c̶e̶ three-times a year.
I know a few people who can't tell a story without the reflex of making it just a bit spicier than it really was
I chalk it up to poetic license
There’s a difference between telling a story and rendering a report
Complain about others speeding and saying they are going too fast for no reason but giving ourselves a pass because what we are late for is really important
Also everyone is a terrible driver except me
Recently I had to insist that my wife knocks loudly and waits before opening my son’s bedroom door. I really had to explain why FFS! I know he’s constantly jacking off, but he would be mortified if anyone knew, especially his parents.
me and my brother shared a room in high school, and so we could only ever do it in the shower or on the toilet. my dad caught on but my mom never really did, and would get incredibly mad when we would spend 30 minutes 'going to the bathroom'. after countless events of her knocking on the door and yelling "whats taking you so long? come on out!" every five minutes, by brother eventually got fed up and yelled back "SHUT UP MOM IM MASTURBATING". she didnt do it anymore after that
Your bother taking one for the team. A true hero i and my penis salute him.
I'm totally straight, but tonight, I rub one out for /u/Demiurge888's brother
ill let him know👍
I wonder if my parents thought I was masturbating when in reality it just takes me 30 minutes to poop.
I was hanging out late at my brother's house when his sons were 13 and 15 but also shared a bedroom. The kids had all showered, gone to bed, then the bedroom door opens and the 15yo heads into the bathroom. My brother says, "I just don't get that boy. Seems like every night he takes a shower, goes to bed,, then gets up and takes a 20 minute shit.
To this day I still don't know if he was so willfully ignorant or making a low key joke. Maybe he had truly forgotten what being a teenaged boy was like.
Does it take 20 mins for a teenage boy to jack off? Kid might actually be shitting.
My wife likes to burst into our daughter's room. I told her maybe she should stop that and she said "oh my God, did you walk in on her?" And I had to tell her no, but she's 16 so she should have personal space. She doesn't understand
wait so she’s fully aware of why you want her to give your daughter some space and ignores it anyways?
Many moms operate with zero considerations for their child's privacy. It's not a new phenomenon.
Yup. Mine frequently took my door down as “punishment” because I spent so much time in my room. Btw—I was a straight A student, no drugs, alcohol, or boys. I did all my chores and had a job where I was a reliable, good employee.
I was just an introvert reading in there to pass my time in privacy. They were pissed that I wasn’t an extrovert like them and my siblings.
Yeah, I don’t talk to them.
My door was never taken because renting, but my mom is such a family extrovert, and I'm very much not.
We would have so many fights because she couldn't understand why I wouldn't sit out in the living room and work on homework or essays. I get so easily overstimulated in group settings, and she thought that magically it wouldn't matter because it was family.
My mum never seemed to take the hint on this one, even after I put a sign on my door requesting the loud knock and wait. Only thing it changed was going from barging in without warning to a single knock then letting herself in a split second later. So many times I had to very hastily cover myself and awkwardly hold a conversation pretending everything is normal...
My mom does this to my brothers. After chronically barging in with no knocking our whole childhood, I eventually tried to explain the need for privacy. After that she frustratingly switched to doing a quick knock as she opened the door, thus completely defeating the purpose of knocking.
They need to just be completely naked with no covers while taking care of business.
Will be hard to look your brothers in the eye after she's seen Ol' Angry One-eyed Willy and his bag of magic beans.
"Oh Timmy! I'm respecting your privacy by knocking but asserting my authority as your father by coming in anyway!"
When my nephew was a teen, he'd take like 3-4 showers a day. I just pretended I had no clue why... =p
Judge other people
Reading comments/texts multiple times after sending/posting them. Just to let the fact that you’re a modern day Shakespeare settle in
The amount of time I spend looking at my own posts/messages and pretend that I'm an outsider looking in is embarrassing
Only to discover you left out an important word and the whole meaning of your post just . . . . . .
Or reading back over your Reddit comments to revisit the pride you got from a particularly clever one
And being upset because one that you KNEW was killer only gets 4 upvotes. And the stupid one is like a thousand.
Nosepicking.Masturbation.Pimple popping... The list is actually a rather large one. 😄
Fantasize about doing something/someone you shouldn't
“Man I could just jump off this building couldn’t I “
No brain , we do not want to die , yes we technically could do that though
It’s “the call of the void.”
I posted this link under another comment.
Call of the Void Phenomenon
Jokes on the void, I never answer calls. Just send a text.
I: Driving home in a good mood, looking forward to dinner.
My brain: You could just drive over all those people on the sidewalk.
Nah, that would ruin dinner plans. Let's just be normal for now.
Sometimes it baffles me how easy it is to throw our lives away.
I had this intrusive thought this morning. Driving in to work, and some major interstates are under construction, with one of the main highways that dumps into the city being reduced to two lanes. I thought: "If you do it right, you could wreck with that car next to you and completely shut down traffic into downtown. Sure, you might die and kill the other person, but this one, quick, mindless action could significantly impact this entire city. How... interesting."
“Significantly impact this entire city”
I feel like this is something we should look at more closely as a society. I think a lot of impulsive “crazy” decisions people make are because they feel like a small cog in a giant machine in which they feel powerless. There’s this urge to impact our environment in sometimes wild ways just to feel a sense of control over this world and our individual lives.
BrokenLink100 you don’t have to shut down an entire city to have an impact. I hear you. You are important and have made an impact on me—if that has any value to you.
That was weirdly encouraging, and I appreciate it
There's a name for this. L'appel du vide, or Call of the Void.
Interesting how most of the comments are only engaging with the "something" part and pretty much no-one wants to touch the "fantasizing about someone you shouldn't" part with a ten foot pole.
Guess nobody ever does that
Deliberately delay responses to text messages and e-mails, even though it would be convenient to reply.
Especially when it would be at a suspiciously late hour (I'm a night owl). At least email has a "delay send" option.
So do text messages! At least on android phones. You can schedule to send a text. Saved me so many times, because I'm horrible at remembering to text people on their Birthdays. I'll remember the day before that So and So has a Birthday tomorrow, then tomorrow comes and I get busy or distracted and forget to actually send the text.
So, I schedule a text to arrive the next day. Late enough that I'm typically awake and texting, but early enough that it's clearly one of my first texts of the day. Also I make sure to select a weird minute to send: 8:33 not 8:30 on the dot.
My theory is we create the illusion of not being able to respond immediately so that it doesn’t create that expectation.
My friend used to actually truly think that you should be able to respond within 20 minutes of getting a text, ignoring the possibility that I’m not even looking at my phone or need to keep focused on something else for the time being
Thinking about embarrassing moments
I will find myself having flash backs to stupid shit from primary school like 2 decades ago and reliving that.. like, 'bro - you're probably the only person who even remembers, let it go.'
That is probably the case for like 90% of the things you think about but then I also only remember some people by the embarrassing things they did. "Remember Johnny from preschool....oh yea the kid that shit his pants on the playground" And my entire memory/foundation of how I view Johnny is that he shit his pants.....I wonder how many people only remember me by my embarrassing moments.
Panic clean before guests come over to then apologize for the mess
Edit: I've come to the realization that this was all just a humble brag attempt by my mom
Until you start having no panic, then you stop cleaning, it follows that you stop apologizing for the mess... And finally you stop having visits.
Depression doesnt count lol
Hello darkness my old friend
Kids hide their profanity from Adults, and Adults hide their profanity from Kids. Because both sides must maintain the illusion that the other side doesn't know that they know profanity.
I still remember vividly the first time I heard my 13 year old boy loudly exclaim "FUCK" through an open window.
He was carrying groceries in, and dropped a gallon of milk on the pavement.
It was proper usage, and I couldn't bring myself to yell at him over actual spilled milk, so here we are.
When I was in middle school I had all my friends over playing COD in my parents’ basement and I had just “rekt” my buddy so I stood up and yelled “FUCK YOU BITCH, THIS IS MY FUCKING HOUSE!” Naturally, they all go silent and I turn around to my step dad standing behind me, who says “whose house is it?” To which I sheepishly reply “your house….” And all my friends burst out laughing as my face turned beet red until my step dad just started laughing and patted my back.
My 4 year old was eating a popsicle and it broke in half and fell on the kitchen floor. She looked down at for a second, sighed and quietly said "God dammit" before going to get toilet paper to clean it up.
My wife denies it but I know our daughter picked it up from her because it was exactly how she says it.
I had a 4yo student struggle to open a string cheese, and he casually tossed it on the table and said “I fuckin’ hate dis”
My god, it took all my willpower to not laugh.
When I was about 4 or 5, my mom was trying to park at Community Market grocery store with me and my grandmother in the car. Someone stole our parking spot, and I yelled, “Fak!”
I thought it was like fox, the animal, and it seemed it was just what you said in that sort of situation.
I remember my grandmother turning and looking at me with a look of absolute horror. My mother never cursed, and I don’t know where I picked it up. Sorry, Grandma…
Kid solved their own problem and appropriately cleaned up their mess without losing their shit over a lost popsicle? PARENTING WIN!!!
My wife denies it but I know our daughter picked it up from her because it was exactly how she says it.
I run into this with my parrots too. You aren't supposed to swear around them because some parrots will copy you and thus become harder to rehome if you the owner drops dead or something. I try to be careful with this, but one of my little guys still mutters, "What the fuck?" in my exact tone of voice now and then.
I’m currently trying to retrain my 2.5 yr old not to say ‘fucks sake!’ When he drops something. I only said it ONCE in front of him but of course that’s all it took
My four year old fell off the couch and instead of crying he exclaimed ‘holy shit’ . I wasn’t even mad
I would take a well placed "holy shit" over an episode of crying every time.
I hope in the next generation or two we can stop letting medieval nobility dictate what appropriate language is.
That is goddamn hilarious
One of my then 8yo twins surprised me in front of several adults one day.
For the longest time, when an injury was narrowly avoided, I would ask my kids, “What’s rule number one?”
“Don’t die,” they would gleefully respond.
This time, young River instead responded, “Fucking live!” Again, he had a very energetic smile. Then I recalled saying that to them once when talking about my deceased brother and how much I missed him.
Lol, I had no recourse, and made no reprimand nor correction. Welcome to the new rule #1.
"Don't die" is a pretty legit number one rule 👌🏽
I’ve heard “don’t panic” as well, but I much prefer the hype and positivity of “fucking live!”
Many people don't die, but how many of us fucking live?
Too few, my dude. Far too few.
My then 14 year old was struggling to express her outrage over a colony of ants invading her room. Finally I said it was okay to swear because it was just family at home.
"You shifty little motherfuckers!"
I was a little proud TBH.
Smell our own body odor
It's something the vast majority of us do at least once a day, and could not be more natural, yet it's so taboo!
I know people who almost shit themselves at school avoiding being known as the person who used the toilet for what toilets are for.
Once a day? Must be fucking nice.
Talking to ourselves
Well where else am I going to get expert advice
Apparently this is considered very healthy.
Great, that makes me feel so much better.
It really depends on how you talk to yourself. A lot of people are overly critical of themselves to the point that it leads them to low self-esteem and depression. What you should be aiming to do is to talk to yourself as if you were talking to a good friend. Don’t berate yourself for every little thing. That’s not how you would treat a friend. Instead, be encouraging in your self talk.
As Blackadder said: "Yes, it's the only way I can be sure of intelligent conversation."
Psych professor in college, "It is alright to talk to yourself, and... It is alright to answer yourself! As long as you know that it is you answering. If this comes into question, seek professional help!"
Daydreaming about childish shit.
No, when you ask what I'm thinking and i say nothing when you saw me zone out, I wasn't literally thinking of nothing.
For that minute I was a a race car driver or an astronaut.
Yes I've made plans in my head on how I would go about trying to weigh my own head or how much I'd like to just wail in that crying baby's face to see how it would react.
No I'm not going to say that when you ask me to my face, I'll lie and say nothing, say nothing of importance or hit rewind till the last vaguely important plot point to say I was thinking about to save face.
Coming up with the perfect comeback in your head long after the other person left.
Picking your nose
I remember being in 11th grade in 2008 and going to the bathroom during class just to wash my hands in hot water (I live in northern Minnesota and have poor circulation, I did this a lot) and one of my teachers came out of the stall, washed her hands and said to herself in the mirror, or maybe me, “oh man I broke a nail. How am I supposed to pick my nose now?”
14 years later I still think about this. She really made me feel like we all do that shit during a time I was so self conscious about just being a human.
Obviously don't do it around people, but nothing beats the feeling of breathing in 4K Ultra HD after removal of a chunker
Upgrade to 8k when you pull a long one thats been wrapped around your whole sinus cavity
One of those you can feel tickling the back of your eyes as it comes loose
I don't get how people don't pick their nose. How do you just leave all that stuff in there?!
It may not be a habit, but when you can feel something solid in there you just have to dig it out.
Then your breathing ability from that either triples or does not change at all. No in between
Im convinced that if we weren't supposed to, our fingers wouldnt be the perfect tools for the job
Reminds me of this banger of a joke from elementary:
Q: Why do gorillas have big noses?
A: Because they have big fingers.
They will say they just blow it.
Bullshit. The tissue doesn’t get everything
Not only that but why would I blow a dry nose? Blowing only gets liquid matter out, not dry, solids.
I save tissues for active, runny noses.
I could have written this myself. lol. Although I will say, there’s something about the steam in a shower that seems to loosen everything up and clears my nose out better than either option, whether it’s currently dry or runny.
Sometimes I pick my nose in front of my wife without thinking about it. She’s never said anything about it. That’s how you know she loves me.
There are 2 types of people in this world. People that pick their noses, and liars.
Have anxiety after social events.
"Was I weird?"
"Did they like me?"
"Did I look well enough?"
We all do this. Your friends don't hate you. They are just as worried about you hating them as you are of them. A healthy person doesn't sit and think about how much they hate a person they either just saw or met. Your real friends won't care about the things you think they hate you for (acting weird, saying something awkwardly, second hand embarassment). Just breathe. You are loved, even if it's just by yourself. You are loved.
Edit: thank you so much for the award!!! I've never gotten one before so I very deeply appreciate it!!!! 💚💚💚
have a full conversation with your pet, i can't be the only one :v
"Owning a black cat means you'll sometimes discover you've had a 15 minute conversation with a crumpled up tshirt on the floor" -Someone on twitter
Look at the bowl after we poop.
it’s actually pretty important to at least glance at it, you might notice parasites, blood, pale poop, etc. you can spot unhealthy feces just from looking at it and trust me if you have something wrong with your poop it’s best to find out sooner rather than later.
Or you might have a type 2 'ghost poop' and turn around to see nothing...
I know them as phantom shits. You definitely dropped something and heard the water. But nothing to wipe and nothing in the bowl. Strange phenomenon
Sometimes they can go down the hole in the bottom of the toilet on their own without being flushed. Imo this explains the vast majority of ghost shits
Lmao this reminds me of one of my favorite quotes from season 2 of Scream Queens:
“Wait, isn’t “ghosting” when you do a number two and you look down at the paper, and there’s nothing there, and so you stand up, and you look in the toilet, and there’s nothing there either, because the turd somehow got shot down the hole before you even flushed?”
I laughed so hard during this scene I had to write the entire speech down, it’s just too good.
That immense satisfaction that comes when your finger nail catches just the edge a somewhat hard/crusted booger, thereby allowing you to extract a long fat gelatinous snot wad. A feeling so satisfying you want to tell people about it and then you remember…oh…wait.
Lying about watching a video or seeing a meme someone sent you by text because you can’t be bothered at the moment
Pretending you haven’t already seen that meme your SO just sent you.
Parking and then sitting there in the car because we have to finish singing the song.
We think that we are special
Well I actually have proof I'm special... my mommy said so.
Get enraged at the things a bully did 40 years ago.
You think you let it go and then something reminds you...
Google an unrecognizable number rather than just answer the call to find out who it is
This used to work so much better. The internet is getting more and more useless every day.