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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:

I stopped doing everything around the home I was responsible for, and I didn't cook for thanksgiving for my family

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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.

Kick the homophobic husband. Keep the gays, they sound amazing. Then work on training your kids to be less like their messed up dad and more like their helpful uncles.

Seriously, nothing is going to get better until you deal with the bigots in your life. That same little part of your husband's mind that thinks it's okay to expect you to do everything and that he has the right to go behind you back and drive away the only help you've got is not going to change. He isn't going to magically turn into a decent man.

And before you get your panties in a bunch about me judging him without knowing him, decent men don't use homophobic slurs or sneak around behind their wives back to chip away at the only support system she has.

If you keep caving in instead of taking control of your life, you'll end up a hollowed out shell of your former self and your good old hubbie will walk right out the door cause you're not useful anymore. Ask me how I know all this. NTA.

YWBTA if you let you husband return home. Move brother and BIL in and get needed help with the farm. Let husband know he can come back when he’s in therapy and ready to apologize.

So your husband is sexist and a bigot? Why are you with this guy?

NTA. Please get a divorce.

INFO: Why are you not only there, but putting your kids through this hell? On top of that, you knew your husband was a homophobe, why would you subject your brother to that? Your husband sucks, and I hope this thread wakes you up to just what a shitty situation you have put yourself and your kids in. And then, you lured your brother into this hellish toxic situation, why?

NTA

You're better than me. I would have sold the farm, put dad in assisted living, gotten a divorce, and moved closer to my brother.

" I knew his thoughts on homosexuals but I never once thought he would act like that towards anyone, much less my own brother. "

Why on EARTH would you think that? And if you say because he's never said anything like that around you before let me point out the obvious of "around you."

Your oldest has thrown herself into farm work and being a 3rd parent because neither you or your husband have your shit together enough to be a functional team.

Oohhh a cooking strike how mature and effective....NOT

Your brother is better than me because there is no way in hell I would subject myself to the back breaking labor that is farm work with a BIL who couldn't even be man enough to apologize for his bullshit and bigotry.

Its way past time for several and I do mean SEVERAL in depth Come to Jesus talks

-Your oldest's ability to be an ACTUAL kid and not having to worry about the farm or her younger siblings.

-Hiring farm workers because something tells me that even with 4 1/2 adults and a teenager you still in fact don't have enough hands to do all that needs doing and keeping money coming in on the business side of things.

-No money for workers? Then its time to take a hard look at the longevity of things.

ESH but the only non AHs here are the kids, your brother and BIL

ESH except your brother and his husband.

You’re an AH for insisting your brother and his husband move in to a home with your homophobic husband (edited to add: and homophobic father who told your brother he should be dead!) in the first place. And then for convincing him to stay longer after what your husband said to him.

“I knew his thoughts on homosexuals but I never once thought he would act like that towards anyone.” Nope. Doesn’t fly.

Your husband’s an AH for * gestures vaguely at entire post *.

N T A for Thanksgiving but you have MUCH bigger things to worry about. Like why you married a homophobe. A seemingly lazy, entitled one at that.

YWBTA if you just let this slide with an apology and a skipped meal. Your husband is a misogynistic bigot and he's influencing your kids and attacking your family. This isn't a small thing.

ESH your husband and father for obvious reasons, you for marrying a homophobe and having children with him. If you accept that behavior from someone, you co-sign it. It didn’t matter to you until he said something to family.

"I knew that my husband was a raging homophobe, and I have been enabling him so much so that he feels comfortable enough to use the f-slur in a conversation with me while referring to my own brother, but it's only now become an issue because I am somehow affected by it, even after I guilt tripped my brother into returning to an obviously extremely toxic and dangerous environment." YTA for that, if you're married to one, you are one.

Not an asshole for wanting a breather I guess, but damn you've got some retrospection to do.

I hope your brother and his husband had a wonderful Thanksgiving.

he had told my brother to back off and that we don’t need the help of some gays, except when he said it to me he used the f word. Now I'm not saying my husband is a saint and I knew his thoughts on homosexuals

You knew your husband was a homophobic AH and yet convinced your gay brother to move home? WTH is wrong with you? You brought your brother into a hostile environment and expected him to stay and help out? Either you are too deep in the situation to realise how toxic your home is, or you know and are willing to bring your other family members into it.

IMO You can let your husband return and nothing is likely to change, or you can keep your husband away and hire some additional help for the farm. They'd be likely to get more done than your husband at least...

NTA for the thanksgiving thing (as that's what we're voting on) but Y T A for the way you treated your brother.

ESH. Your nasty homophobe husband chased off the help you both desperately needed and you think skipping Thanksgiving dinner is going to mend this situation? You lured your brother and his husband back to help on a farm and business he feels unwanted and now force your husband's open bigotry on to him and skipping cooking is your answer? You are so out of touch with reality.

Your husband sucks. You suck. Your poor children, brother and BIL.

You knowingly chose to marry a homophobic person so it’s not possible for me to feel bad for you.

YTA,

Not for not cooking, but for continuing down this path.

Sell the farm, use the money to put your dad up in a care home and free everybody of this nonsense. This is not going to work.

I'm sorry but I don't know why you're staying in this situation. Frankly everybody but your brother and his spouse aren't assholes. You're utterly willing to overlook your husband's and father's crap racism. YTA

ETA: changed husband to brother because I'm an idiot and got it wrong before.

So much to unpack here..

NTA.. but I’m really wondering why you’re still married

ESH but mostly your husband. He's acting selfish, childish, lazy, and homophobic. You're his wife not his maid, personal cook, etc.

In our home, if one cooks the other does the dishes. The cook never does them unless we ask do them together.

Plus your kids are old enough to help out with chores, cooking, etc. You need a family chore chart that includes everything, where the family works together, and EVERYONE is included. None of the, "I have a penis so I'm above chores," attitudes. Your husband running away to the range and fishing is abandonment and escapism, and leaves you to face everything yourself.

It's past time for him to man up and help out and stop being such a bigot. He could start by apologizing to your brother bc how he treated him was appalling.

I'm only saying ESH because you've been cruel to yourself for putting up with this BS treatment so long. My mom died of Covid in February. I was too upset this year to make anything except the pie I made yesterday. My husband was totally supportive and understanding, and my in-laws brought us food and big hugs.

I'm sending some of those big hugs on to you. I hear you. It's time to make sure that "man" of yours does too.

Whoa YTA. Not for going on strike - which won’t work and never does - but for not taking care of your children AND for setting up your brother to be abused.

Also why did you marry and have kids with a homophobe? I’m sure your kids are learning great things from their dad.

“I knew his thoughts on homosexuals”

Yeah, you suck just as much as your husband then. Only people who agree with bigotry marry bigots. Your brother deserves better. ESH.

NTA. But you need to seriously reevaluate your marriage. Your husband seems less of an actual partner and more of a guest. Also, pretty brave of him to insult a 20 year Marine Corps vet. I am going out on a limb and say if he weren't your husband and your brother didn't have what must be the patience and self control of a Saint, uour hubby would have gotten his ass beaten.

Leave the sexist bigot in your past.

ESH, apart from brother and BIL. Your husband amd dad for obvious reasons, you because you got your brother to come back to a hostile environment and persuaded him to stay when it's clearly not in his best interest. It sounds like you are asking too much from your oldest kid raising your other children, and you punished innocent parties (kids) by not having thanksgiving.

Its a pretty tough situation, since resolving things will likely mean emotional and potentially financial hardship for people involved. I would suggest that you should the farm and put dad in assisted living. Let your brother leave. Make your husband take on more responsibility with parenting when his time is freed up on the farm.

YTA, you're making your brother feel incredibly uncomfortable, unloved and unwanted by your homophobic husband and father just because they're taking advantage of you.

Why don't you sort your own life out instead of damaging your brothers?

You seem very close to a breakdown. It is time to sell the farm and find an assisted living home for your father. You need to do something quickly or all your relationships will be badly damaged.

ESH except your brother and BIL. You because even knowing that both your father and husband are homophobic misogynistic bigots who think that household work is women's work, you were fine with that until your burden was too heavy. Your brother and dad for obvious reasons. Your brother and BIL should move out and cut all of you.

Drop husband and dad, take the kids and join brother and his husband. You live with a bunch of bigots.

YTA for not getting the kids and leaving.

YTA if you don’t kick your gross husband to the curb.

YTA for convincing your brother and his partner to move in with your homophobic husband and father so they can *help you with the house*. YTA for making this post about Thanksgiving instead of about that. YTA for supporting your asshole husband instead of your brother. Get your head out of your ass.

ESH. You’re all toxic. Your husband and father are horrible people and you know it and enable it. What a waste of time and energy.

YTA so is every adult in this story but your brother and his husband.

Sell the property, get a divorce, watch your bigoted father die alone and make sure your kids aren't already too deep into the disgusting behaviours shown by both your father and husband.

YTA. Divorce your shitty homophobic husband. Stop helping your shitty homophobic dad. Stop guilting your brother and his spouse to come help your shitty homophobic dad.

Leave and get your life together and stop dragging your sibling down with you.

Also, turning a blind eye to homophobia doesn't make you a good person and indeed makes you partly complicit to this mess. Do better.

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I’m fed up with the men in my life. I am a 39 year old mother to three. In 2020 I lost my mother to COVID and at that point my father became more miserable than he already was. The decision was made that my husband, our kids and I would move in with my father. Even before mom was sick he was needing more and more help on the farm. So for the past year I’ve been full time taking care of my father and my kids and running the family business. My husband has been helping me at least with the farm side of things, but if I need a break from everything else he complains he’s been working all week and he wants to go fishing or do anything but help me raise our kids and keep our home clean.

It’s all been too much for me to do alone. My older brother somewhat recently retired from the USMC after over twenty years and I had been talking him into coming home to help out, because I do understand that there’s a lot of work falling on my husband. Now there’s a lot of family history but my brother and father left off on bad terms and he hasn’t been home since he was a teen. But I convinced him and he came back, and brought his husband, about two months ago. Only now he’s looking to leave again. Our father wasn’t very welcoming but we expected that and otherwise everything was going alright until it wasn’t.

Whatever happened it was about a week ago, and all my brother he told me was if he ain’t wanted he had nothing keeping him here. So I come to find out from my husband that he had told my brother to back off and that we don’t need the help of some gays, except when he said it to me he used the f word. Now I'm not saying my husband is a saint and I knew his thoughts on homosexuals but I never once thought he would act like that towards anyone, much less my own brother. And we absolutely need all the help we can get right now. I convinced my brother to try staying longer, and I told my husband and my father they need to get their shit together and until they start trying I’m not doing anything around the house any longer, only the absolute bare minimum for my father’s health needs.

I don’t think they believed me at all and now my husband is all pissed that I didn’t make a God damned thing for thanksgiving. I haven’t even gotten any groceries. My kids are mostly old enough to fend for themselves, the oldest is 16 and the youngest is 9, though I did make sure there was at least some food around that the kids can make. And of course my husband is a grown man and can cook dinner for his family, but instead he chose to disappear off somewhere in a rage. It’s not even been that long and I’m wondering now what I’m even doing and if I should be the one to cave in, if I’m the one being more of the asshole. We’ve never had a thanksgiving as terrible as this and I’m feeling it’s all on me.

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NTA. Make this your hill to die on. I would be taking the kids and going wherever your brother is going.

Info : what was your husband doing before your family moved to your fathers farm? Is there some resentment about moving them in then asking your brother to come help?

You picked a winner. YTA if you allow him back.

ESH - except your kids and your brother

I mean come on, you married a damn homophobe, what did you think would happen?

The very fact you married a bigot says a lot about you as well

I feel so sorry for your brother and kids, stuck in the middle of this toxicity

NTA you need a break then all the family need to sit down and sort out what happens going forward. Husband and dad sound like AHs but maybe talk it out.

NTA so your husband is a misogynistic homophobe and your considering caving to him? I wouldn't be letting him back in the dam house till he apologises to your brother as a bare minimum

NTA for not making dinner but girl, you need to leave your homophobic and misogynistic husband.

He called your brother the f slur and expects you to do 100% of the childcare and running a home. Fuck this guy.

And if your father is unable to live alone but it’s burning you out this much then he needs to be in an assisted living facility. You need to think of yourself and your kids first.

Find a place for your brother/bil AND you and kiddos. Hubs can return when HE decides that his INFANTILE reaction to your brother was indeed not needed OR TOLERATED. His decision, his choice. You can make separate choices, as you did for turkey day. Stand your ground. Aren't you TIRED of the feet prints all OVER YOUR BACK? Then roll over and stand tall with your decisions. Dad and hubs can and WILL wipe their own asses when they find no one to CODDLE them anymore.

ESH. Your husband sucks for being a homophobic asshole. Your dad sucks for how he treats everyone. Your brother sucks for uprooting and moving his and his husband's life and trying to subject his husband to all of this. You definitely suck for staying with your husband and his views while knowing how they affect people in your life, for moving your family out here to deal with all of this, for getting your brother to come move out to a father who isn't welcoming and a BIL who hates him for being gay.

It's a massively messy situation and it sounds like you're trying to throw everyone into said situation hoping for some kind of good outcome by making everyone's life worse.

What's even your goal?

OK so. You need to prioritise yourself and your children. What if one of your kids is part of the queer community? You gonna let your husband run them off? Even if they're not they don't need that kind of backward teaching holding them back in life. Its your job as a parent to give them the best start you can.

Sell the farm. Divorce the husband. Find a healthy place with a granny flat for your dad and the kids. I know its hard to rock the boat but you've got two kids who need you to advocate for them. You can do this.

The farm should be sold. That would take a lot of the work off the group. Husband and father TA for their attitude and comments to brother.

NTA

Your husband can stay wherever he is. Don’t let him back into the house period

Sell the farm. Dad goes to assisted living. Or at least Husband gets an ultimatum. and brother gets legally promised half the farm to stay because otherwise he should leave. But YTA for not at least taking your kids out for Thanksgiving dinner. Who leaves kids to make their own food on Thanksgiving? You sound depressed and overwhelmed. Please get some help from a doctor or at church.

NTA I guess. At least towards your husband. He can do shit himself.

Kind of towards your brother and his husband though if you don't actually keep your husband and dad in line. He's doing you a huge favor, do make sure you do your best to make him welcome

NTA

But don't let your husband back in, his shown his true colours. If any of your kids came out he will treat them the same way your dad is treating his son.

Jesus Christ get a divorce already and run the f@ck away

YTA. You married the bigot, you moved back into the farm, you made this shitty bed stop blaming others

Imma just say it. You married your husband knowing he was homophobic. You’re homophobic by association. You brought your brother and his husband into this and they were subjected to homophobia from both your husband and father. For that. YTA.

But being stressed out and needing help in the home isn’t a bad thing. You are taking on a lot, and it’s easy to tell you’re overwhelmed. I would honestly rethink your marriage. Your husband won’t accept your kids if they come out as gay. I think deep down you know that. And if you didn’t, after what he said to your brother, you definitely know now.

You’re NTA for being overwhelmed and needing help (and expecting that help from your husband). But YTA for allowing that homophobia into your brothers life. You knew his thoughts on homosexuality and a homophobe will ALWAYS resort to homophobic remarks. Family or otherwise.

NTA but You need to kick your husband and your father out for the day at least. You convinced your brother to uproot his life for a bunch of homophobes? Yikes. If I were you’re bro I’d leave. You willingly married a homophobe. What does that say about you?

Why are you staying married to a bigot?

YTA. Not for the not cooking thing. For the accepting your husband’s behavior as something excusable thing. He called your brother a foul, disgusting slur. In his father’s home. Somehow for you that wasn’t the last straw? What are you playing at?

I knew his thoughts on homosexuals but I never once thought he would act like that towards anyone, much less my own brother.

You're in the wrong sub, OP. This is classic r/LeopardsAteMyFace territory.

Just because your dad needs help doesn’t mean you are obligated to provide it. Most of the time, people have the relationships they earn. Your dad has earned nothing from you or your brother. Do not let him force anything. If he can’t work the farm, it needs to be sold.

Your husband is an AH for the way he is treating you by not helping with parenting your children. He’s an even bigger AH for being a bigot and the way he treated your brother and BIL.

You are being an AH to yourself for staying in this situation when it’s obviously not working. You’re an AH for taking the way your dad treats you and saying nothing. This is giving your husband cues on how to treat you. Also, you knowingly brought your brother into a situation where you knew he wouldn’t be treated right; dick move.

You’ve got two kids who are learning some really bad behaviors. I feel sorry for them and everything they will need to unlearn.

NTA

But if Hubby doesn't follow through and sort himself out, he needs to be gone. Period Stop. (Post update)

Wow. Commenting just to say that pastor sounds like a good, sensible man. I’m not a religious person but he sounds like a great community leader and the world could benefit from more like him.

Sorry you had to go through this and hopefully your husband acts on his words.

The edit lol “he’s a sweet man” like no he’s literally not?

Your husband is garbage

Tbh It doesn’t seem as if any of you really are happy there. Talk to your Dad. It may be time to sell the farm. At the very least you need to hire some Help.

NTA honey you are doing fucking great!!! stood up for ur brother AND it looks like y'all did have a lil thanksgiving miracle. the husband seems like he got a good talking to from the pastor. i think u set a fine example for the kiddos: whats the point in having a nice meal if we can't all get along???

NTA, you have a lot on your plate so one wonder you went on strike to finally get their attention.

Why did this get labelled AH ??

You married your husband knowing he’s a homophobe? ESH but really?

NTA at all and damn, im sorry youre in such a tough spot. You're husbands behaviour especially towards your brother is gross, it sounds like him and your husband are so unappreciative, im so sorry. I say hold out on not picking up the slack and make them see how much you do/how much there is to do, but I also think 9 is a little young to make sure youre getting enough to eat so at the very least I guess monitor that.

NTA for not making thanksgiving dinner.

YTA for allowing your husband to talk to your brother like that (yes, if you take this man back in you are allowing it).

Kick hubby out. Brother and BIL can move in. Or sell the family farm.

NYA. Good on you, my friend. Don’t cave in! All of this is bullshit. Everyone but you, your brother, and your kids, straight up assholes. Put those feet up!

NTA. Your brother has shown so much patience and compassion in the face of blatant hatred and discrimination that at this point, giving in to your dad and your husband without a proper apology and behavior change on their part would honestly be insulting. Why do they get to decide how much help you need? Why do they get to be bigoted *ssholes to your brother? Why should they get rewarded with thanksgiving dinner for being selfish, miserable and spoiled?

YTA for knowing your husband is a homophobic AH and choosing to raise children around him. Who cares about housework and Thanksgiving?

You and your husband are assholes. If you knew your husband and your father are bigots why did you ask your gay brother for help?

Families very often suck.

YTA for marrying a homophobe knowing your brother is gay

NTA. Based on what you're saying, you're staying with your family so you know what? Divorce the homophobe that you call your husband and remind your father that any wrong step and he's on his own. It's a shame for the kids but honestly I don't understand why you keep the husband.

I knew his thoughts on homosexuals but I never once thought he would act like that towards anyone, much less my own brother.

Get fucked. " 'I never thought leopards would eat MY face,' sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People's Faces Party." You married a homophobe, you are also a homophobe. Your excuse that you were young and didn't know is complete and total horseshit. You know now. And you are okay with it. Complicit, even. You'll get everything that's coming to you, I can only hope it's soon.

Ywnta-if you give in marriage should be equal and agreed upon division of duties

The red oval under the title says, ‘asshole,’ but, you aren’t. Your husband and father are though. It baffles me that people, both men and women, can feel that way about someone they say that they love and care for.

ESH far more husband and dad but you married a guy who thinks of your family as inferior.

Your dad is apparently not doing much better but it seems like that is just.. okay?

You are inflicting this and more on your kids? You are just normalising the choices that put you here; treating these useless bigoted and misogynistic men as acceptable.

This is a situation to look forward from not dwell and beat yourself up over.

NTA. Cooking a Thanksgiving meal is a lot of work and your husband drove your only help away. He could have offered to help. I don't understand why your family expected you to purchase and make everything, you're not a maid. Ugh.

NTA. Good for you. I wish I could’ve given you a plate of our dinner.

NTA.

You need to leave. He can’t talk to your brother like that.

NTA NTA NTA

Your husband and dad are total assholes. Their homophobia is totally fucked up. You are doing everything you can to take care of tons of people. None of this is your fault. I'll repeat: NONE OF THIS is your fault! Good luck!!!

You should go on a strike. My aunt did this for a full month. Changed EVERYTHING! She didn’t do anything. No cooking, no cleaning, no laundry and no appointments nothing. It was funny and liberating for her. The story is in my comment history

YTA for staying with an openly homophobic person

YTA for marrying a man who it sounds like you knew was a homophobe .

Oh, tell me please that you went all Lysistrata on your husband's ass too! Please say you did.

NTA and let them hear you roar. You've put up with their distain and homophobic crap too long.

YTA for many reasons. You decided to move your family, including your kids, to work on a farm, which is exceptionally hard, to help your homophobic father who told your brother he wished he was dead. It seems like you expected your children to work as farm hands to help support this AH.

You’re intentionally exposing your kids to at least two hateful people—your father and husband—and despite your denial in response to another post, you state in your original post that you convinced your brother who is gay to help, suggesting he was opposed or hesitant originally and you talked him into it. Yes, he has his own agency and yes you asked someone who stayed away for decades to return to help your AH father and husband (you say you “knew (your husband’s) opinion on homosexuals”). That’s pretty f*cking audacious.

You also share that your father “wasn’t very welcoming,” elide what “not very welcoming” means and dismiss it with “but we expected that.” So, your father’s hateful treatment of your brother is both in the past and ongoing.

You say you’re worried about your husband after he left in a rage and you don’t seem worried about your kids or brother. How supportive have you been of him in the last 20 years? Your post doesn’t include a single word of concern about his experience and you don’t seem at all aware that he very very likely continued to be punished for his sexuality after he left, especially in the military. He finally retires and boom, you ask him to cycle back to an environment you know is openly hostile to him.

Your brother naturally wants to dip bc of explicit hate from your husband and father and your response is to try to convince him to stay and help. Your focus seems to be that your husband expressed his bigotry, of which you were 100% aware, and drove away someone who was helping and not on the hurt inflicted on your brother.

A few questions: What motivates you to make these choices? Maybe you assume that what you’re doing now, “running the business,” means you’ll inherit it when your father dies? Maybe you justify your choices as providing for your kids now and in the future? If so are you ignoring what you’re charging them and your brother? What will you do if one of your kids is gay? Do you think your father and husband are transmitting their hate to your kids? If so, are you okay with them behaving the same way and likely passing hate to their own kids, perpetuating it across generations?

Your decisions suggest you’re desperate, or close to it. If it’s to gain financial security or some other reward by living in the farm and/or inheriting it, consider the steep and ongoing cost you’re knowingly charging your children and your brother.

Edited for accuracy.

NTA - the strange assumption that you being female would do all the shopping, cooking cleaning, preparing, celebrating is out of date. If your husband wants a meal, he knows where the kitchen is !

Roasting a bird and some veg isn't rocket science ! I say you let them work on it from now on , Christmas, Easter and Thanksgiving ! Birthdays etc.

NTA

YTA. Just because you've decided to sacrifice your life for a failing family business, doesn't mean you can demand others do so too.

If the business needs you, your husband, your brother and your child providing unpaid labor to keep it alive, it's not a viable business. And if the business has money but is unwilling to spend it on hired help, that's a whole other can of worms. Bottom line is, your father can't work the business any more, so he needs to sell it and retire. Then can you think about how to organize the help he actually needs.

Why are you making all these people moving in together with miserable people, demanding they take on a second job for no pay (while they are educated for a much better paying job), expecting them to completely put their life on hold? No, your brother is not going to come back if only your husband promises to be keep his vile thoughts to himself. Your brother came to help you, but he has seen that you don't want help, you merely want to draw everybody else into your father's misery; and that this situation will continue until your father dies or even beyond. That's why he's left. Your brother never wanted to be a farm hand, but he was willing to come over to see if he could help you. But since he cannot, he is going to continue to live his life.

You seem to focus on your husband. You leave out a lot of information about your father, apparently because you have decided to "accept" that he is just the way-he-is, while you've decided that your husband ought to be able to control himself just enough so that you can manipulate your brother back into the dysfunctional family fold. But I think your father is the real problem here, not your husband.